Saturday night

This reminds me Beavis & Butt Head screaming "saturdayyyy nighttttt!!".

Oh yeah. Since mi ex-girl dumped me things are doing like that. Not like Beavis neither Butt Head, thanks god hehehehe.

I think today will be a very alcoholic night, I'm going out to a party open bar, 30 years birthday of 3 friends I barely know. It will be freaking crazy I suppose.



I'm wandering if I go to bed right now or wait till the night get on. If I go to bed now I'll wake up very early, what can be good if I go to my company after the car shift begin.

Today I ate japanese food at a good restaurant, but I'm feeling a little bit apathetic these days, without feeling too much and getting what I need from the environment I in. It's sad to be like this, because I cannot stand for anything this way. I am feeling this for one week or more. I guess seeing my ex-girl made me feel like this. I went to her city and she went to the same music show I did, It was some kind of coincidence, but isn't a coincidence at all, because she is friend of the musicians and so am I, and I knew she was going, and couldn't do nothing. Well I could not went there, but I didn't want to do that because of her, it doesn't matter.
It's been 1 year and a half I didn't see her. The last time we were together, our last goodbye, was some of the most sad moments of my entire life. I've cried the whole night long. Actually I broke with her, was my decision, one of the toughest decisions of my life, but it was, in certain way, impossible to continue together at that point, we needed a decision. So it was very sad to see her again.

Well, I guess I'm going to sleep. Oh yeah.


Some little vacations and back

After some 4 days of vacation I am back! Well, I could rested a little bit more, but it was nice after all. I went to a farm far away from the city, in a beautiful and bucolic place, with some horses, a pool, barbecue, beer and lots of good stuff. My girl went there with me and we had lots of good sex and love. We sit by the fire, drank some wine and whiskey, watch some movies (unfortunately bad ones). Ok, that's what I was in need. But I still need to get a larger vacation, go far from everything, rest a lot, see other things, people and cultures. I want to go north, to see the forest, and maybe to go to Europe again, alone, and travel all around, partying and seeing what is there to see. But for some days I'll stay here, working a lot!

I need to sit my fat ass again and start to write for real, not waste my time. I need to write my projects, to write my dreams, my thoughts, my imagination. I need to prepare myself to something bigger and better than this, or else I'll be doing this forever

Sometimes we think that life and success is about luck or faith, but don't. You must construct your path, to struggle, to dedicate yourself everyday, every hour, to live your project, even when you're sleeping you can do something in your dreams, explore your unconscious to get to some places nobody ever went.

One of the most important things for me is to find discipline. I must find it, organize it, and live with it. But it's not so ease as it is to talk about, to do something is pretty much harder than talk about wanting to do.

Well, lets go to the news now, ok?

Today I'd spent my night video shooting on my studio, just watching and reading something else, thinking and doing nothing but waiting. It's a little waste of time, but they are paying me for this, so, ok. Money can buy my time, and, unfortunately, I can't be more expensive like I wanted to be at this moment.

This week my business partner is coming back to Brazil and it'll be very important to make some things happen quickly. Without him the whole working process went slow, but I am working to keep it going, even if sometimes it's very difficult like last week, when I've had to spend even night shift awaken here (like I'm doing today, but tomorrow I'll get here just at the afternoon).

Next week will be decisive for me and my partners, I guess. Lot's of things happening, and good things, I guess. So lets wait a little bit more to have some good news.


Working schedule - freaking out

Ok, let's face it. In 15 minutes I'll face the second part of today's job.

Now it's 8pm o'clock, I've arrived here at 8am, so I've spent 12 hours working, and it was the first part of today's job. Now I'm exporting some video and audio material to start working the second part.

This week's been a hell on earth, yesterday I've quit working at 1 am, and slept something like 5 hours. And now I'm starting the second part of the work, that possibly will end just tomorrow morning, maybe at 6, or 7 am. So I'm already tired, just imagining this.
Now the computer's working, so I got a little time to think, read the news, drink some coffee (to keep awaken), but I wish I could sleep, and no, 15 or 20 minutes isn't enough for a good sleep, and tomorrow is the deadline of this work (it started 10 days earlier, and since them I've been working like the world's going to end tomorrow, something like 15 or 16 hours per day - including saturday and sunday, the whole day).

I'm tired of working with something that don't give me nothing beyond money. Just money, a little bit money (if it was something like 100 thousand dolars or something it could be just great). I feel I'm wasting my precious time when doing this kind of money, wasting my sanity, it's a great and awful waste.

Last 3 years I've spent tons of creativity making videos for industries, for business, and I've get really tired of this. I feel that if I continue doing this I won't get anywhere. There's no growing up doing this, there's no advancing of my name, my public personality, no nothing. Just money, and boredom, tiredness.

So I've changed my way of leading with works and clients, and now I'm following some concepts, choosing better. But sometimes I need to do some work that is very emotionally destroyer, like this one I'm doing just now. I'm broken emotionally, tired physically, with my eyes tired of being open all the time, and my brain is intoxicated with stress, lots of stress.

But I am fighting something I know I would need to. I'm becoming professional, pretty much more professional then what I was some time ago. I am facing everything I must face to go bigger, to go better and find something better.

But I still can complaint until my computer works and I need to wait.


Falling apart

Today is like the whole world is falling apart, bombs exploding, knives rain, and incredible lots of responsibilities to accomplish.

Tomorrow I've got so many things to do that I can't even organize it in my mind, I can't think about it clearly. So I'm putting it on a paper as a list. A fucking gigantic list of things to do. I don't know where to begin with.

I think now, 9 pm o'clock, I'll go home, get some rest, food and love with my girl, and try to sleep early to be here soon tomorrow, and put the things to work. Or else I can do some editing before going home. I should call my girl to ask where she is and plan my time now.

I've shouldn't be losing my time here writing as I lost it reading and watching some videos, but I'm in a big stress, so I can't work straight, and that's a problem. I don't know why I act like this, always losing my concentration, my focus, and going to do something else, less important then what I really need to do at this moment. I don't really know why. If I only could focus on something in a better way, or a more focused way and made everything done quickly it would be very good to me. I could increase my work, my money, my efficiency, but instead of doing this, I stay a little bit slow with my accomplishments.

I know I need a change, but I am trying to have it for some time, but I'm not having success on this. But I know the time is now, absolutely now.

Let's run.


Random thoughts

To get a plane, to go to a strange place where I've never been to, just for two nights and a lot of work, is strange and, for some way, delightful.

To go to the country side, to see the birds and the plants growing, the sounds of nature and water, is something really delightful.

To be with my girl, laying on a bed, naked and excited. It's really delightful.

To work hard and sleep just a couple hours everyday, don't have no free day every week, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop... it isn't delightful.

To be young, thirty years old, potentially successful and potentially fail, is very delightful and fearful.


Ok, I've already started last week with my new position and working schedule here, but this week it'll be for real, because I will be, for twenty days, the only scene director on our company, and I'll be doing everything by myself. I'll be delivering one big work (a publicity), I'll be travelling south for two projections that I'll be producing (yeah, I am a scene director, but also a producer and photographer... whatever works). I'll be working a lot, I guess I'll be again near my limit, like I was two or three months ago. But it'll be a good and learning experience.

Today I am starting with some meetings and coordinating the editing of our last work.

Well, this is very boring to read, right? Yeah, I know it is. Don't worry, I'll try to think about something else that isn't my work, or something like that.

I really need to go to the beach, to run on the sand, get into the water, forget the stress, eat some barbecue, drink some beer till I fall... I need to go rest a little bit, I will do this in a month or two, for some days.

Maybe when I get back from south I can go to the beach and rest a little bit. I'll talk with my girl to arrange something, or else I can stay here and go to the movies (something I really like and not doing a lot like I want), or go to the house of my friends or family, to do something soft and ease.

Today is a sunny monday, but it's monday, even if it's sunny I won't see the sunlight, just when I go out to eat something. And I'll do this in a minute, I hope. I'm starving.

Ok, that's it. Enough talking nothing today.



It's been a long time since I don't write for real. I'm not talking about this writing you're reading here. No, writing for real, creating something, travelling throw my mind and visiting some weird, unknown, and strange places inside me.

No. These last days, or months, or maybe (hope not) years, I've been working on lots of other stuff that are filling my free inspirational time. I've spent tons of creativity making money - and didn't got rich yet, so I was doing it wrong way. I guess now I'm trying focus myself into something mine, something fresh, although it's pretty hard (mainly because I need to make money to stand for myself, to pay the bills, to be fed everyday) I'm going toward something I believe it's what I need to do. So I'm doing it.

But one thing I really need to do is write that screenplay. And administrate the projects like I'm doing, and make it happen.

Sometimes to make it happen is very hard. Of course I too have some doubts, like you, and like almost everyone, but I'll try instead. I don't really know what will happen to me next year, and I'm jumping into something very complex, very adult and strong, facing life like it need to be faced.

Ok, let's stop writing for now, I really need to sleep and wake up soon tomorrow... that's what I am talking about... fuck!

Tenderness of a working sunday

I wish I could throw everything away just for today. And step outside my home for this sun that shines on this sunday afternoon.
I think I finally found love, and knows what love is. But instead of being very well comfortable I still have this will of getting other girls and do sex with them, and kiss them. But I don't do anything, just for the respect I have for my girl. But sometimes it's difficult to bear the will to have sex when she don't give me what I really want. And this times I've been feeling the will to go looking for girls to have sex, just that. Nothing else at all.

Well, changing the subject, why do I have to work on a sunny sunday afternoon, when everyone's going to have fun with anything? And I am not making a lot of money with this, just a little bit, and not gaining a lot of experience at all. The good part is that this is almost the last working sunday (at least at this work).

Ok, let's go working.


4 am

Well, fuck, it's 4 am and I'm still awake, and tomorrow will be a very long long day, working till the energy go away. And the good news is that I've lost my mobile last week and I don't have any alarm clock in my home, this desert, this arid and dusty place.

Just a glimpse of my life now. I'm living a very confuse, insane and irresponsible moment of my life. But at the same time it's the most important, adult, strong, and self determined moment. In a way I am behaving myself very well, not cheating my girl, working seriously, assuming a professional posture and focusing on what I believe, and believing in what I want and can do and be. But I see that I need to assume some different way of life. I need to start a healthy life, and it's a kind of strategy, to work better, to produce more, and be more efficient. And this is to compete better. So I need to stop drinking like an idiot, and doing drugs, and getting high like there's no tomorrow. Because now I've had a future to administrate. I must prepare myself to do things I am not sure I am able to do. So I'll need to be able. I'll need to get it all really serious and focused.

So now it's my turning point.

But at this exactly day I am without my cell phone, without any money, assuming very big debts and starting a new and very uncertain professional life. It's maybe not so uncertain because I really believe in myself, and I think I will go on and get everything I want.


reaching the bottom

I've never thought I could reach this point. Well, I didn't. Actually I am complaining a lot, and I'm in a middle point, a little bit lost.

This has been a bad monday. I've lost my cellphone yesterday on Paulo's house, I guess (hope it's there, for the Christ's sake), and I'm in a bad hangover. My head's exploding, my mind is flowing on a river of alcohol, and it's monday, half of the day. I've already had and argue with my working partner, actually I am a little bit irritated with him, and thinking if it's really a good idea to keep working with him, but I know it is. But it's just very conflictuous.



I am counting my coins to buy some bread to kill my hungry. I´m starving!

They will cut my internet this week. Fuck. I don´t know what to do with this fucking bills.

I´ll get thin, this is good, ok?

I´m thirsty.

Thanx god there is mama and papa to save the children from starvation.

Yesterday I´d spent all my money in beer and cocaine. Not true, the cocaine was free.

Yesterday I´d get my linger fucked up.

Fuck, it´s the only thing I wanted to do today and my girl didn´t.

I am alone, dirty and hungry here, in my dirty home. In my dirty thoughts. In my dirty dreams. And lots of pornography.

I hate pornography because I can´t live without it. And I want to have sex today, and I know I won´t. Fuck!

Well, that´s it. Enough of this shit.


Problems with animation suppliers

Ok, I know you don't give a fuck to my problems, but I'll write it anyway.

I've lost 15 days because of this son of a bitch, I don't want to put names (and I know you don't know him), but he fucked my life. Here's what happened:

Me and my work partner are working on a video project to sell to cable tv, and this project got one certain buyer, but we must finish it to deliver on time. Ok, we don't have a fixed date, but we lost some precious days waiting work of our animation' supplier.

We hired him for an expensive price to deliver to us a little piece of animation for the beginning of the video. Our executive producer and leader, after some days awaiting any kind of answer, wrote him asking and giving some references, words of inspiration and ended on the old and beated "surprise me"...
The guy who was hired to do this piece of art is very well recommended on our business, so we awaited and I'd became very anxious and impatient. The son of a bitch was very late.

And then became the day of the first deliver. And he surprised us.
He cam with a shit conversation, that he's passing through lots of personal problems, arguing with his wife, and in a personal artistic crisis... and lots of shit. And that he was not working anymore.
It was very surprisingly, a gigantic pain in my ass. And now I'm rolling over some nights to get it ready and steady.

I got my own fucking problems, ok? Everybody got. But I don't compromise myself in serious enterprise or something and then jump over, just because I am a lazy idiot, or in a crisis or something. It would be better if he killed himself - at least he would have a good excuse to fuck our schedule.


Going out

Despite the bad weather I'm in a really good mood. I'm going out in a moment to eat something. Just procrastinating a little bit, studying too, and thinking on nothing.

I'm going to watch two movies, despite the possibilities of seen a bad one, I'll go happy and satisfied, and I don't even know what movies are, and from where. I know nothing.


Thinking about next week, thinking about today, later. Now I've just stepped out of my bed, drank some juice and sat on my computer just to write about my terrible thinking about today.

Well, I'd woke up a couple hours with my brother arguing with his girl, they were loudspeaking something about some exam they were intended to do this mourning, but I really do not know what happened. If I had the chance I'll ask my brother what's happened, well, it awakened me. I was dreaming on travelling situations, remembering some old times in shitty hotels, beautiful cities like Prague, and something like that. An so I was awakened by an argue of my brother.

Today I'll maybe do something terrible. I'm going to a cinema party in a few hours, to see two movies, and then to drink free and eat free. And I'm going with a girl. She's an old friend, I'm really fond of her and her company, and she's so kind and... well. We already had sex lots of times, and I'm in a very good mood for having sex with her again. And my girl is away, my brother, that's spending some time in my home, is going today. So the situation is very proper to do something like this.

But I'm really not sure of what I'll be doing.


Thinking about someone who is far away

I miss her, yes, but I don't like to admit it, obviously because now I've been with another person and it isn't a very polite thing to say. But I miss her a lot, not as a girl, a woman or sexually speaking, but as a friend, someone I really like, love as family. It's tough to deal with this situation, I do not talk to her for months and she doesn't opens any conversation or contact, she doesn't send me mails, doesn't call me, write me... nothing. And I'm respecting her not doing this things too, just because she ask me at the beginning and either because I was the one who wanted to broke the relationship, to finish it. I know she loved me a lot, she was yet loving me when we broke up, and I loved her too, but I've had another girl, I couldn't bare that situation and it was the right way to go.

It's hard to separate from people you love, even if you don't love enough to make a decision like going to live in other city, to be with this person for real.

Well, this is the situation, I'm going to her city next friday, I'll spend a couple days there to be with my sister (she also lives there and she's going to face a medical operation), and to be with my family (everybody is going too). And I'm really thinking about going to see her, but it's obviously not right, and I feel that I would want to be with her for other things, but I really don't want to do this to my girlfriend, so I not going to see her. But it's annoying me, I cannot stop thinking about her, and it's bad, too bad.

Actually I am very worried with my little sister, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't go, so I wouldn't suffer with this nostalgic and hard feelings.

Well, changing the subject I'm in a bad hangover right now. Yesterday I was in a very fine party, with lots of friends and alcohol, so I'd got a little wasted and now I'm paying the price of loving beer and wine.

I don't remember everything about yesterday, and it's very frustrating and terrifying. Thanks god nothing bad happened. I wasn't driving, didn't fight or argue with anyone and, till I remember, everything went ok. I hate to have this alcoholic amnesiac, it sucks because you had a great night but now you're incapable remembering nothing. Shit! This moments we want to believe that we are powerful to determine that I will not drink anymore in my whole life. But obviously it's an idiot thinking and I'm always getting drunk and wasted. Always.