Sunday night, going to be early, getting ready for tomorrow's rush.

Suddenly Everything's changed, now I'm dating a fantastic girl, this time officially, and I'm in love, and not missing anymore my ex girl, and everything's going on fine as it can be.


...dear diary

This will be posted in portuguese, sorry, this I have wrote to send to a friend, I needed to share this incredible and beautiful situation that I'm living this last months with someone. These are magic days.

Definitely I start living my golden years...
It seems that now I have a whole bunch of great possibilities of have an absolutely great moment all the time. I have my feature film doing great with the two biggest film festivals in my country, I've been on important newspapers, with lots of cheers and approvals of the film critics. Besides that I'm feeling totally secure of myself, with a great self esteem, and it seems to work so well with the girls and everyone, so I'm having the most beautiful girls I know wanting to be with me, and this is total new for me. And I'm renting the room next door to mine, in my apartment, to a beautiful french girl, and we met each other some nights, we have drinks together, smoke some weed, I playd some acoustic guitar for her, some bossa nova and something like that, and that's fantastic.
The next narrative I'll put here is a mail I've wrote to a friend of mine, to share my experience, but at the end I didn't sent. So I wrote here:

Cara, preciso compartilhar isso com alguém, e ninguém melhor que você. Estava eu calmamente desligando meu computador, me preparando para tomar um banho antes de dormir, por volta da 1 da manhã, e eis que ela chega em casa, meio bêbada e cantando... Foi por pouco, mas enfim, foi difícil escapar. Como você disse, estou com a faca e o queijo na mão, e na porta ao lado da minha tem uma francesa dormindo de porta semi aberta...

Imagine só que eu toquei "faz parte do meu show" do Cazuza, pra ela...

A gente sentou e ficou umas duas horas conversando, ela fumou um beck, eu tomei um uísque, ela tomou mais vinho e eu toquei violão. Ela me deu uns 4 beijos, todos na bochecha. Na hora de dormir achei que ela ia me beijar na boca, talvez fosse mesmo, mas a gente mora junto, isso não pode acontecer, pelo menos não hoje, não por enquanto, eu estou envolvido até o osso com uma mulher linda do Rio de Janeiro, uma diretora de cinema também, como eu. Não teria como eu fazer nada hoje, mas não sei, deixa o tempo, que devasta qualquer coisa, mostrar o que vai acontecer.

No final de semana teve um dia que eu acordei mais cedo, tipo 10, e as duas amigas dela estavam acordadas, mas ela dormindo, eu fiquei tocando um chico buarque no quarto, com a porta entreaberta, as amigas dela ficaram escutando e tomando café da manhã, toquei por mais ou menos 1 hora, então uma das amigas foi ao quarto acordá-la, levou café, ela disse que acordou, escutou a música e perguntou quem tinha colocado aquela música pra tocar, então a amiga dela, francesa e linda, diga-se de passagem, disse que era eu tocando. Ela falou que foi o melhor jeito de acordar possível, escutando uma bossa nova tranquilinha no violão e tomando café da manhã na cama.

Como você me disse, eu estou com a faca e o queijo na mão. Mas eu ainda não sei o que vou fazer, nem quando, nem como. Mas está tudo tão simples. E tão confortável...


9 months now

It's been 9 months and I still can't take her from my mind. That's sad. And recently I've started to call her again, to send messages and mails... she doesn't answer nothing. And she ignores me totally, even that we didn't fight or nothing, we just didn't talk anymore, for nothing.
I wonder what's been on her mind, how's her day by day, what she feels... but nothing, not a single word.
I know it's time to forget, to erase her from me, but I just can't do this. I can't stop thinking on her. Almost everyday I think about writing her, I think about what word should I put to her, what should I tell. But in the end I don't do nothing, and most of the time I think it's better like this. The last time we broke up I'd wrote a lot, begging and crawling, crying and suffering. She was cold as ice, but at the end we started again, till the last time, when I wen't to Cuba for 1 month. Then she totally desapear again, but this time I thought I shouldn't go through this humiliation, I thought I should wait till she calls me and thinks better. But she didn't.
And so now I am sad and abandoned. For 9 months.
Shit. Why do I love her so fucking much?


Letting her go

I guess until I don't let her go away of my heart I won't be free to be happy and healthy.



And what if one of us dies tomorrow?
How could I live without talking to you again? Without putting an end over this.

We don't speak with each other since 25th october, when I came back from Cuba, after one month and a half far far away... I called her and she told me she was too tired to see me, maybe other day. And this after one month and a half traveling.

I told her I would call her the next day, but don't. I wrote her some hours later telling that if she want to talk to me she could call me. And then... 6 month passed away and we didn't talked yet.

I know her for 10 years. We've been together as a couple for 2 years. And it ends like this?

Now what if one of us dies tomorrow?


These days I'll start a new project. Video project to this fucking shit.

The idea is that I am a foreigner on this wasteland, and I want to put my vision into this and use the video language to register my thoughts and to get some conclusion, or to try to understand better this bizarre world.

Freaking out

This weekend I was totally freaking out. By the way this last 15 days I was totally freaking out. Alcohol, drugs, sex, party all the time. I was fine, but not so well. Actually I am sad. Very sad.



When you spy someone, the more you know the more is dangerous to be close to this person. Mostly when you are under the alcohol effect.


And again

Thinking on how to do it, how to stand up and walk along the way, to look forward and to be where I want.
I guess the most important thing for me to do now is to find a way to be fine with everything I have, to find some balance between what I am and what I want to be. To find a balance with the money I own and the money I spend.
Must find a balance in my sentimental life. At least I have one. I remember the time when I was totally disillusioned and empty, with my heart empty. Now it's full. The matter is that is way up full, it's overflowing, and lost. I have strong and deep feelings waving over my heart and my head, annoying me, making me sad and lost, don't know what to do for the next hour, next day, next week.
Now I'm just writing to put it all outside, to throw this feeling away, to rethink and try to find some path to go.

There's one thing that I need to change. The way I think, the things I put in my head. I know it's all wrong.
I am an obsessed guy, with lots of obsessions and repeated thinking. I think about Erica all the time, for example, and Flávia, and some others. That's a love and sex obsession, and I trying to get rid of all this behavior. I've decided that I'll put everything I really need in my head. To think straight and to find solutions for real problems and not waste more time thinking on what I don't need. But it's not easy.



Oh yeah.

That was amazing. So amazing.

To kiss her. To feel her body against mine.

This is incredible good.

For a moment I thought she was going without kiss me, she said no, and no, and that I was drunk. And yes, I didn't deny that, I am drunk, yeah. But oh so yeah I want to kiss you, I'd said.

And she said that it wasn't the issue we were talking about.
And I said, yes, if it wasn't now it is.
And she said she couldn't talk about that like this.
And I asked her why?

After a while we started kissing each other, for some time.
And we couldn't stop it. It was almost impossible to stop, she's almost slept here. But unfortunately she didn't.

And now she's gone. It's late, 6 o'clock!


And now

I'm going for a beer with a girl.

And for the other girl (another different from everygirl I mention here), that is very far, far in another country, Mexico, far Mexico. Just said: "te quiero mucho".

And now on my way.


That could be the way I could feel.

But not. I'm in a pretty good mood, besides the fact that she disappeared, she that I liked so much. I thought we would be together and it would be the maximum of the best feeling I would get in my whole life. Despite that I'm in a pretty good mood. Just complaining to keep the tradition role.

Well, this is my free space, to complaint, to shout, to put the words free.

And now I'm just talking with a girl. And hit the word: let's go out for a beer?


And now

she disappeared...
That's sad, because I guess it would be fantastic if it wasn't like that. But there's still time.


Something wrong with my mind

Sometimes I think that's something very wrong with my mind. When I like someone I can't think about anything else, and I fell totally in love and desperately quick and strong. Yes, it's scary.

And so soon

I've been totally caught by her.
And now it's another girl, and that's very interesting.

Till two weeks ago I was totally suffering because of my ex girl, we've been together for 2 years, and I was crazy about her for 10 years. The first time I've kissed her was in 2001, a couple of months after we met.
At that time I was dating another girl, but that afternoon, after the study (we were studying together in a preparation for the university test) we went on to a bar and started drinking together, I'd laid my hand over her hand and then we kissed. After that I've always thought about her as someone I was really crazy about - but she didn't felt it back.
And she's been dating other guys, and so I did the same, but always insisted in her. Later for 2 years she didn't even let me see her, she was serious relating with other guy and disappeared completely to me. I've suffered a lot, but after a while dated other girls, had my girlfriends and all.

Some years later she let me be with her again, we dated, but never had nothing serious, just because she didn't want nothing serious with me, but I always did.

At some point we started dating more and more, at the beginning one or twice a month, then every week, then every opportunity, but at that time I was engaged with another girl, and so I ended my relationship to be with her. We engaged, lived together for almost a year.

We suffered a lot, like every couple. Sometimes I ask myself why it's always this way? Why we have to suffer always?

We have two beautiful years together, but she never trusted me, she always thought I was cheating her, and she had a point because I'd cheated other 3 girls with her, but I'd never cheated Erica.

She dumped me later, just because she was paranoid, thinking I'd cheated her. We got back again, and then fought some time, get back again, and repeated it two or three times again. Lot of suffering.

I've spent lots of time thinking on her. Such a waste of time. I still feel something very strong for her. I guess I could be together again with her. But now maybe I'll forget her.

Till now I'd never found a girl that produces something important in my mind, or my heart, whatever. Till last weekend, to be more accurate.

And now my head is full of her, this new girl, this girl I've met last saturday - but she isn't new at all, but for same way she is new for me. Actually I knew her for 10 years too, she was at the same course, 10 years ago, when I met Erica, but at that time she was dating a friend of ours, and we are still a group of friends that always hang out together (tomorrow we'll do this). And I took 10 years to give her a kiss, not because I wasn't interested, I've always liked her a lot, but never thought by this perspective, I don't know why. But it happened, and oh it was amazingly fine and almost disturbingly fine.

I've spent the whole week thinking of her. Not a single day, afternoon or hour that she wasn't totally outside my head.

What bothers me is my anxiety. I am fucking anxious about this. I try to imagine what's on her mind. What does she feel. I try to imagine what the future reserves for me.

It's one of that times when you spend just a night with someone and you think you could marry that girl and be with her for your whole life. Although I have no idea what will be tomorrow.

This is totally scary!


Everything is changed

Suddenly everything is changed.
Yesterday was fucking great, awesome, fantastic... every great and positive word to describe yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous, smart, kind, sweet. She's everything I want now.


As horas

Queria que a noite tivesse a duração que eu bem entendesse.
Que durante a noite eu pudesse decidir até que horas seria a hora que eu quisesse.

Hours and hours passing by. Escaping from my hands. Night going away, changing into day.

And so many songs to listen, so many movies, so much things to do. So much time to think I need.

And soon the night is over, and I need to be ready for another day of work.

And day after day I need to do a lot of things that I am not completely sure about. At least I'm not working with publicity, such criminal activity...


Break down

Break down and cry, that's what I want to do. I think maybe I'll do this for an instant.

I wish I could hold her tonight. Hold her the whole night in my arms, in my bed. To feel her smell and sense her presence.

I have no news from her, have no idea where is she now, what happens in her mind, what happens in her heart and in her life.


So I have this other friend, this girl that don't talk to me for 5 years now. We were best friends at the college, for a couple years, we used to hang out together every week.
As soon as the time passed by I started to see something in her look, in her eyes, in her voice, her smell, her skin...
That happened as soon as we get closer and closer. I'd fell in love with her. Totally, absolutely.

It was a hard party, with lots of alcohol, lots of people. We went there together, just two of us, very close and friendly. After some beer we went dancing, and after some eye contact I kissed her as I was crazy to do. It was, for that little moment, one of the greatest feelings we can have. That long and passionate first kiss, with lots of adrenalin, emotion, pleasure and love.

After that kiss she looked deeply in my eyes and told me one of the harder thing I've had to bear. She was a lesbian.

I was totally broken hearted, sad, pouring tears from my eyes.

For two or three years we've had a deep friendship, and sometimes we kissed each other, had that kind of conversation and relationship as a couple, a very complex relationship.

And one day I've fuck it all up. At a party, without her, I've kissed the wrong girl. Well, she kissed me, and just for one reason, to create that jealousy feeling at her, and it works. So we don't talk anymore for some years.

I am thinking about writing her tomorrow.

The same thing again

I’d never missed her so much as I am missing her today. I guess it’s tougher when you are in a family reunion for some days in the country and everybody has his own partners and no one but me will sleep alone. And when I am here I always remember her because we’ve spent so many beautiful moments together in this place that it’s impossible to forget.

I can’t stop remembering her smile, her voice, her hair, her smell, her temperature, her size, her taste, her skin, her mouth, her eyes…

I am curious to know how much does she thinks of me, if she thinks. How much does she misses me. I am dying to see her again, to kiss her, to be with her, but I am controlling myself to not calling her and trying to forget her. But it seems to be impossible. So difficult, so difficult…

I have this terrible fear that maybe I'll love her forever, tragically forever.

Another year passing by

The year is almost over, just two more days.

This is a very abnormally cold december, I am thinking of what can happen tomorrow. I’ve decided to spent this year’s passage with my family, my father, brother, sister, nephew, etc. Very smooth and easy, slowing down that erratically rhythm I was living during this crazy year. I was losing my mind doing the things I’ve done, drink so much and getting so crazy all the time. Well, not always, I used to have the days of the week working and functioning, but always at the end of the week I was getting very drunk and stunned. Now everything’s different, I guess, but tomorrow I think I would love to have some drink with someone.

by chance

The way I miss you is so strong that I feel it’s an everyday fight to keep calm and standing tall and not calling you or writing you desperately…

The funny thing is that I am feeling all of this like I am just waiting your call, I’m waiting you to get in touch with me. I am waiting your reaction, your feelings.

I wait everyday the day you will call me, tell me that you can’t stand anymore without me, that I am the love of your life, and that we must be together forever.

But I simply know that you’ll never do that… and I have the sad, sad, sad and deep feeling that you never felt the same I’ve felt for you for me. You never loved me as I love you. And, besides that, you always told me that I am the one that don’t know how to love. That’s funny.

I think you never loved me for real. And I think sadly that you are the love of my life. And this is all a tragedy.

Everyday I think of the day we’ll met by chance, someday lost in our future lives, a single day that I’ll see you again in front of me, that I will be able to look directly into your eyes and maybe say that I love you, even though I know that you’d never loved me, never ever loved me.