Definitely I start living my golden years...
It seems that now I have a whole bunch of great possibilities of have an absolutely great moment all the time. I have my feature film doing great with the two biggest film festivals in my country, I've been on important newspapers, with lots of cheers and approvals of the film critics. Besides that I'm feeling totally secure of myself, with a great self esteem, and it seems to work so well with the girls and everyone, so I'm having the most beautiful girls I know wanting to be with me, and this is total new for me. And I'm renting the room next door to mine, in my apartment, to a beautiful french girl, and we met each other some nights, we have drinks together, smoke some weed, I playd some acoustic guitar for her, some bossa nova and something like that, and that's fantastic.
The next narrative I'll put here is a mail I've wrote to a friend of mine, to share my experience, but at the end I didn't sent. So I wrote here:
Cara, preciso compartilhar isso com alguém, e ninguém melhor que você. Estava eu calmamente desligando meu computador, me preparando para tomar um banho antes de dormir, por volta da 1 da manhã, e eis que ela chega em casa, meio bêbada e cantando... Foi por pouco, mas enfim, foi difícil escapar. Como você disse, estou com a faca e o queijo na mão, e na porta ao lado da minha tem uma francesa dormindo de porta semi aberta...
Imagine só que eu toquei "faz parte do meu show" do Cazuza, pra ela...
A gente sentou e ficou umas duas horas conversando, ela fumou um beck, eu tomei um uísque, ela tomou mais vinho e eu toquei violão. Ela me deu uns 4 beijos, todos na bochecha. Na hora de dormir achei que ela ia me beijar na boca, talvez fosse mesmo, mas a gente mora junto, isso não pode acontecer, pelo menos não hoje, não por enquanto, eu estou envolvido até o osso com uma mulher linda do Rio de Janeiro, uma diretora de cinema também, como eu. Não teria como eu fazer nada hoje, mas não sei, deixa o tempo, que devasta qualquer coisa, mostrar o que vai acontecer.
No final de semana teve um dia que eu acordei mais cedo, tipo 10, e as duas amigas dela estavam acordadas, mas ela dormindo, eu fiquei tocando um chico buarque no quarto, com a porta entreaberta, as amigas dela ficaram escutando e tomando café da manhã, toquei por mais ou menos 1 hora, então uma das amigas foi ao quarto acordá-la, levou café, ela disse que acordou, escutou a música e perguntou quem tinha colocado aquela música pra tocar, então a amiga dela, francesa e linda, diga-se de passagem, disse que era eu tocando. Ela falou que foi o melhor jeito de acordar possível, escutando uma bossa nova tranquilinha no violão e tomando café da manhã na cama.
Como você me disse, eu estou com a faca e o queijo na mão. Mas eu ainda não sei o que vou fazer, nem quando, nem como. Mas está tudo tão simples. E tão confortável...
I wonder what's been on her mind, how's her day by day, what she feels... but nothing, not a single word.
I know it's time to forget, to erase her from me, but I just can't do this. I can't stop thinking on her. Almost everyday I think about writing her, I think about what word should I put to her, what should I tell. But in the end I don't do nothing, and most of the time I think it's better like this. The last time we broke up I'd wrote a lot, begging and crawling, crying and suffering. She was cold as ice, but at the end we started again, till the last time, when I wen't to Cuba for 1 month. Then she totally desapear again, but this time I thought I shouldn't go through this humiliation, I thought I should wait till she calls me and thinks better. But she didn't.
And so now I am sad and abandoned. For 9 months.
Shit. Why do I love her so fucking much?
How could I live without talking to you again? Without putting an end over this.
We don't speak with each other since 25th october, when I came back from Cuba, after one month and a half far far away... I called her and she told me she was too tired to see me, maybe other day. And this after one month and a half traveling.
I told her I would call her the next day, but don't. I wrote her some hours later telling that if she want to talk to me she could call me. And then... 6 month passed away and we didn't talked yet.
I know her for 10 years. We've been together as a couple for 2 years. And it ends like this?
Now what if one of us dies tomorrow?
The idea is that I am a foreigner on this wasteland, and I want to put my vision into this and use the video language to register my thoughts and to get some conclusion, or to try to understand better this bizarre world.
I guess the most important thing for me to do now is to find a way to be fine with everything I have, to find some balance between what I am and what I want to be. To find a balance with the money I own and the money I spend.
Must find a balance in my sentimental life. At least I have one. I remember the time when I was totally disillusioned and empty, with my heart empty. Now it's full. The matter is that is way up full, it's overflowing, and lost. I have strong and deep feelings waving over my heart and my head, annoying me, making me sad and lost, don't know what to do for the next hour, next day, next week.
Now I'm just writing to put it all outside, to throw this feeling away, to rethink and try to find some path to go.
There's one thing that I need to change. The way I think, the things I put in my head. I know it's all wrong.
I am an obsessed guy, with lots of obsessions and repeated thinking. I think about Erica all the time, for example, and Flávia, and some others. That's a love and sex obsession, and I trying to get rid of all this behavior. I've decided that I'll put everything I really need in my head. To think straight and to find solutions for real problems and not waste more time thinking on what I don't need. But it's not easy.
As soon as the time passed by I started to see something in her look, in her eyes, in her voice, her smell, her skin...
That happened as soon as we get closer and closer. I'd fell in love with her. Totally, absolutely.
It was a hard party, with lots of alcohol, lots of people. We went there together, just two of us, very close and friendly. After some beer we went dancing, and after some eye contact I kissed her as I was crazy to do. It was, for that little moment, one of the greatest feelings we can have. That long and passionate first kiss, with lots of adrenalin, emotion, pleasure and love.
After that kiss she looked deeply in my eyes and told me one of the harder thing I've had to bear. She was a lesbian.
I was totally broken hearted, sad, pouring tears from my eyes.
For two or three years we've had a deep friendship, and sometimes we kissed each other, had that kind of conversation and relationship as a couple, a very complex relationship.
And one day I've fuck it all up. At a party, without her, I've kissed the wrong girl. Well, she kissed me, and just for one reason, to create that jealousy feeling at her, and it works. So we don't talk anymore for some years.
I am thinking about writing her tomorrow.
I’d never missed her so much as I am missing her today. I guess it’s tougher when you are in a family reunion for some days in the country and everybody has his own partners and no one but me will sleep alone. And when I am here I always remember her because we’ve spent so many beautiful moments together in this place that it’s impossible to forget.
I can’t stop remembering her smile, her voice, her hair, her smell, her temperature, her size, her taste, her skin, her mouth, her eyes…
I am curious to know how much does she thinks of me, if she thinks. How much does she misses me. I am dying to see her again, to kiss her, to be with her, but I am controlling myself to not calling her and trying to forget her. But it seems to be impossible. So difficult, so difficult…
I have this terrible fear that maybe I'll love her forever, tragically forever.
The year is almost over, just two more days.
This is a very abnormally cold december, I am thinking of what can happen tomorrow. I’ve decided to spent this year’s passage with my family, my father, brother, sister, nephew, etc. Very smooth and easy, slowing down that erratically rhythm I was living during this crazy year. I was losing my mind doing the things I’ve done, drink so much and getting so crazy all the time. Well, not always, I used to have the days of the week working and functioning, but always at the end of the week I was getting very drunk and stunned. Now everything’s different, I guess, but tomorrow I think I would love to have some drink with someone.
The way I miss you is so strong that I feel it’s an everyday fight to keep calm and standing tall and not calling you or writing you desperately…
The funny thing is that I am feeling all of this like I am just waiting your call, I’m waiting you to get in touch with me. I am waiting your reaction, your feelings.
I wait everyday the day you will call me, tell me that you can’t stand anymore without me, that I am the love of your life, and that we must be together forever.
But I simply know that you’ll never do that… and I have the sad, sad, sad and deep feeling that you never felt the same I’ve felt for you for me. You never loved me as I love you. And, besides that, you always told me that I am the one that don’t know how to love. That’s funny.
I think you never loved me for real. And I think sadly that you are the love of my life. And this is all a tragedy.
Everyday I think of the day we’ll met by chance, someday lost in our future lives, a single day that I’ll see you again in front of me, that I will be able to look directly into your eyes and maybe say that I love you, even though I know that you’d never loved me, never ever loved me.