Waste of time

I'm here totally amazed with this fucking waste of time.

All day long awaiting. Waiting nothing. And waiting. Waiting the end of this fucking test.

And I'm sleepy, I want to sleep, run, eat, take a shower... to do lots of things that I can't do here, at my company.

I fucking hate publicity, but this shit pay my bills.


I woke up late. Pretty late for my job today. This is very bad.

But ok, what can I do now, after a couple hours.

I was totally drunk and wasted at the time I was programed to be here. At my company.
That's bad.

I know I was wrong, and I don't have anything to say.
I won't say nothing.
I won't say a thing.
Just listen to the humiliation. And be sad.

I hate to be wrong, to be guilty. But it was all my fault.

Yesterday I got really, and absolutely drunk and wasted. Why I do such thing?

But ok. What can I do now? It's pretty fuckin' over.

Well well, my business partner asked a good question today: "was it good yesterday?" "did it worth at least?"
Oh yeah. It did.

It was awesome.
I didn't expect for that. Absolutely not.

But it was. A very little, tiny, low profile party. But it was awesome for me.

And it was like this just because I met a girl that I already knew.

But I didn't do anything with her. I couldn't.

The girl that made the party, her birthday, is a little bit in love with me. She told me not to bring any girl to the party, and not to be with no girl there. I respected that.

But oh man, today I think about yesterday, me and Ana, and I think it was a waste of time, to not be with her. She's beautiful.
I met her some years ago, in a party. I was with a guy, a friend of mine, and the party was in his house, and I met her. She was with her ex-boyfriend, a musician of a famous band from here, the singer. And she was absolutely beautiful, I couldn't even think when I saw her.

And yesterday she was on me. She danced with me. She held my body, kissed me on my cheek.
That was beautiful. She kissing me on my cheek. Absolutely amazing.
I just remember this. She kissing me on my cheek.
She tried to respect her friend, Paula, that wasn't happy with that at all.

But I'm sorry, I cannot be with her anymore. With Paula. No. I love her, but she's no girl for me. We don't need to be together again. We shouldn't be together again. It's oh so fucking over.
It's over.
I want to be with that girl. Ana.
She's amazing, man.
Pretty fucking amazing.

Now I'm thinking what I will do to be with her. To find her.
I don't know her phone number, her email, nothing...
And I don't even know her last name. Not at all.
And I cannot ask it to Paula. It's unfair.
But I'm really thinking about it. To ask her her contact.

Thanks god my girl wasn't there yesterday. It was good. Even because I am not compromised with her. We are no marriage.

I was alone and single.
And it was amazing.
I think, sometimes, that I need to be single for some months, at least.

Well well.
That's nice. Pretty fucking nice.

What can I do now?
I don't even get her contact.

She was writing in a little notebook, writing a lot.

She wrote lots of things.
She wrote her thoughts.

At some point I thought about writing something in her notebook. But I was fucking drunk to do that. I should do that.
To put my phone number and a message that she needed to call me today. Without my name or nothing.

She needs to find me. I am so easy to find. She needs to find me.
I've tried to found her, but till now I wasn't able.

She's rare.



Today I am feeling that I'm absolutely crazy, freaking out. Delusional thoughts invading my brain like I am out of control. But besides that I'm still sitting with a good behavior at the computer, and working.

Ok, I'm just being dramatic, but I really feel strange today. And I am pretty sure that it's all about that girl, that one that I accidentally fell in love this days. And now I'm doing it all wrong, like I was a little kid, without knowing what to do, turning what could be an absolutely great thing into a misery suffering feeling. And that rejection I already told.

I got a feeling that I am a child again, lost in this social behavior agreements. I've lost every kind of rule that I should be following (or not, maybe to follow social rules isn't always a good thing).

The fact is that I desperately want to know where will it all lead me, where will this relationship lead my life. I'm fucking lost.


Well well

After all the rejection thing wasn't at all a truly rejection, and yesterday I've got it up again, and she dated with me and it was awesome.
But still it's a strange relationship, not at all, but a little bit strange.
Today I'm going to travel alone, without her. And it's sucks. If i knew she won't be coming I would had canceled this trip, but she told me yesterday that she wasn't be coming today, so it was impossible to tell my friends that it wasn't going to happen, so here I am, going with 4 couples to spend a weekend at the countryside. She did bad this time, oh yeah. Bad girl.

I'm not sad anymore, ok. I'm fine. Just because of yesterday, just because of her. I'm in her hands, and that's a pretty frightening thing. And despairing too. I don't really know what I should do now. I just know that I need to go easy and slow, to put the brakes on it. Slow and easy.



Rejection, a real bad feeling to feel.
Today is my 2011 rejection day. 2 girls in a little interval of 5 minutes rejecting me. My ex-girlfriend, that don't even lives in my city cuts me from her facebook and said goodbye again, for the third time. She said that it's been harmful for her to stand knowing about me, and that it's better to cut our relation at this point. Ok, so cut it. Bitch.

The second rejection is a girl that I'm fucking ridiculously in love these days. It's very bad to be in love like this, without thinking, frightening her, and doing everything wrong. Every single thing wrong. And so things went finally bad today. She was going home with me tomorrow, to sleep here and saturday we will go travel. But now she's not coming anymore. And now, at this very moment, I'm sitting here alone and broke. Fuck. Why they do this? At the same day.

Well, I don't really know what to do right now. Maybe sleep, maybe go to the supermarket or something... I don't know.

Shit, I cleansed all my home, hired a cleaner to get everything clean. Shit shit.