First day of my life

And I'm glad I didn't die yet.

When I was fourteen I've almost took my life away, almost killed myself. Thanks God I didn't. Thanks God I'd been afraid of falling 19 floors. Afraid of facing the death directly.

There were some moments of my life that I didn't feared death at all. Some time ago I used to have some suicidal attitudes, but I've been changing a lot these years. Nowadays my life is so fucking important that this old feelings have no importance.

Sometimes I love and crave to be writing some poetry or to be expressing the beauty that I realize that exists in the world.

Ich bin dabei.

Well well so it is...

Next week I'll be free. After seven years working in that company that I'm a business partner, shareholder, I'll renounce.

I'll go to other ways. I'll go away, but still don't know where.

This company payed my bills for 5 or 4 years. I've earned a lot of money there in 2013. Now it's a little bit stable, but not enough to fill my needs, it's too big for the profits. But this isn't the major problem.
We're three partners and I'm the little one, with only 10%. It's nothing. So I'm going away.

I've been helping my partner Fausto this week, I've been helping the company last year to be existing. I've been helping him this week with a TV show he's running. But I'll not be rewarded with anything. I'm doing it for free, well... not for free, for our company. But for me it's nothing. This is not my company, so it's for free. And I was not free. But after next week I decided that I'll be free.

Next week I'll go away. Enough for me.

It was a very hard decision to take. I was always earning more than my partners, because I'm a good seller, but now the want to earn more than me, but not selling. So, whatever. I'm sorry, I'll need to go.

It's sad for some way, because I loved to work with them, they are my reference, they are great friends, I love them. But it's been soo difficult to hang on working as if nothing's happened this last two years.

2014... what a strange and fucked year. Fucked at all.

I was in love with that girl, that fucking brunette that works with me. And she was a great friend of mine, we used to got drunk together a lot of times, to go wasted and misbehave. But I was absolutely in love with her, and nothing, n.o.t.h.i.n.g. happened never. Never. With some exception, a friday night, in a carnival. But it was nothing so important. We were so so so drunk that we don't remember it completely. I remember it a little bit better then her, but it's nebulous, I've just remember kissing her over the grass, outside the country-house, at 7 am (well, it wasn't friday anymore, it was saturday). Whatever...
We were outside, at the garden, pretty pretty much drunk... and I just remember ourselves rolling through the grass and kissing. And then she fainted, and I took her to the room, left her in bed and went to another room, because we were took drunk to sleep together.

At that moment the thing that I've wanted the most was to be with her.

She was dating my partner.

I didn't know nothing. But I'm a kind of mind reader, and very sensible and perceptive guy, and three or four months later I realized what was happening. It was sad.

The worst thing wasn't the relation, the situation itself. The worst was the lies. So fucking straight lies. And the cowardness of my partner.

His coward attitude frustrated me a lot.

So sad to be with so fucking coward people.

Sometimes I'm a coward too. And I'm embarrassed when I'm behaving cowardly. I'll always try to be courageous.

I'll always try to be brave. And that's it.