Always someone close...

Adding that you always will be betrayed for someone so close, the closest person you have, adding that you do not need to fight with no one. You can go away, but not disappear, just go away and appear a lot. This is it. Appear and appear.

The stories always repeat themselves, always... always...

Enough of repetition. Enough of everything. Enough...

I just ask something:

Where are these souls?

Ich verstehe überhaupt nicht

Inside my mind. Just there.
2014, what a year. I wish I could put something like 1/1000 written on this blank pages. But the blank pages are always there... But there's lot's of things going on...

I feel that I'm playing with fire these days, and this is just some last sentiment of this very weird year, 2014, weird weird year...

I need to go to sleep, but I just started writing now, it always takes me a lot of time to sit and start writing, so I don't write never. No, never never writing nothing... but I have so many things to put on the paper... so so so many thoughts and so many living things.

So strange to think that your life could be a very very bizarre, dark and fuking gross movie... But to not have the ability to put it on the sheets... to fill in the white holes. Doesn't matter if it's in portugues or in english... actually in english it's a little bit easier, but just because it's more provocative... but just because of that... Nothing more.

And it'll always be weird to have a life that you think that deserves a biography or something like that... to have a life that is so full of histories, so full of situations that deserves a biography.. but... doesn't every life has so much many situations like that???

Sometimes I think where I can put so many things that is passing by my life?

Where can I record so many things... where should I keep eveything?

Next week I'll start studying Deutsch... German! I've studied this language for 6 months... but it's so hard!
I've studied english for long 6 or 7 years... all by myself... but german is pretty more much difficult... I've became sure of that 6 months after starting studying... so difficult.

ich verstehe überhaupt nicht

Oh melancolia, rosa del aliento... dime que puede me amar...


Another day

Another monday, another day in our lives. Everything's fine. Everyone's fine. Ok.

No surprises, no alarms. Nothing. No nada.

This weekend I was working on a very peculiar project, some video recordings for an internet channel about a giant music festival. We've made some videos and we try to be always near to the point of view of someone who was watching the shows. Someone who was there, at the audience.

It's so interesting to go out of your city, to get into another place, absolutely different, with a beach in front of your hotel. Our sunrise yesterday was something pretty fantastic, pretty different of what I'm used to see at my windows.

Sometimes there's so much fear into our lives. But... so much fear of what? What was the point that we were about to fear what we don't care anymore. No need to think like this.

And writing nonsense it's another pretty bizarre feeling, but a little bit good to feel like this. To have this feeling. This bizarre nonsense feeling ok.

There's always the doubts, the questionings, the matter subject. Well, when this kind of thing happens...



Today is that kind of sleepwalking day through meetings, business and readings. I need to make decisions, but all I want to do is to spend all day walking in some distant bucolic place, with her company and nothing else. Today is that kind of sunny but melancholic day, with my mind floating through invisible waves, with an infinity spiral thought that goes and comes in the same way all the time, repeating and repeating the same pattern every instant, repeatedly and repeatedly.

I'm that kind of obsessed guy that is repeating the same thinking pattern the whole day, not going anywhere, but flying inside, seated on the same chair all day long, the subjects in front of me always changing, different people, different issues, but the same mind pattern. But unattached to everything that really matters in the real pragmatic working existence, but besides that solving this things normally.


Freaking out again...

oh yeah, it was totally predictable, it was announcing to happen for some months. Everything's so full of emotions this last years that it was too soft to be true. It was willing to start some bizarre freaking out session. Emotions and crazy thoughts and ideas. And the most dangerous part of it is that these crazy ideas are having success with the investors, so some of them are about to happen, and I'm really not sure about it, if I really should do this.
And when it start to happen it will be for a long long time. Something like 10 years or more.
Well, it's my last day of thinking and deciding. Actually I think there's really no time.
I am not sure about the things I'm doing, the way my life's taking. Maybe I should change everything, I'm sensing I'm going in a wrong, maybe pretty wrong way, not sure.
This are so intimacy, so individual things, that maybe there's nothing I can write here to explain. This is a fucking diary, but even I don't write here daily.
33 years old, midlife crises maybe to soon?
I feel as I am an adolescent again, but in the worst way, with the stupid ideas, with the rough feelings, the rough sensations, rough thoughts. Things that should happen another way, maybe more mature, more responsible. I see that I am as pretty fucked up person, but in true I'm not. I'm just suffering a little, or maybe a lot. But nothing more than that.

This crazy days at this bizarre city that I always lived on. Everybody going crazy in this big shit. The protesters, but the worse are the government. The protests are so fucking necessary. But this violence is not.

Every plan, every thought, every future projection, have it's potentiality to happen, to become true. But some ways need to be respected. Maybe it's possible to make it happen in some ways, but the truth is that I don't have any kind of recipe of how's life works, or how to proceed over some circumstances. There are so many broken hearts. So many disillusions and sadness. But still there's discovery, happiness, reaction, progress (or else personal progress).

I'm sick and tired of this so fucking things that I'm vomiting over some white screen.

I need to stop some kind of thoughts that happen automatically inside my mind. It is possible to control such things, just concentrating and going to other ways.

So, go ahead and change your thinking!!!!!



It happened again... I can feel the symptons, strong and destabilizing. Now when I come home I start trembling, palpitating, sweating... my heart starts to beat quicker. Some things have been changing in my life. Well, actually my whole life is being pretty different than it was a couple months ago. My mind is stroked focusing obsessed in one thought, one thing.
Today it's been 1 month and 20 days not drinking a single sip of any kind of alcoholic beverage.
Today I can speak french, after 10 days of intense study I climb my first step of this language. It's not fluent, but it's just a matter of time. I guess in 3 months I'll be fluent.
My mind is locked in one single thought, one obsession. That kind of obsession you don't want to pass away, you want it to stay forever inside you.
Damned platonic feelings.
Lost lost lost...
I feel as I've lost the ground I'm stepping over, just as I am floating, flying over the days and nights, floating away with the direction of the wind, always going to the same place, same direction. Floating.
I feel as I need to externalize inner feelings.
Urging to spill this whole giant desire away.


Dear diary...

It's been a long time since I don't write here. Lot's of things happened, and I'm still lost and thinking what should I do with everything. What should I do with my mind?

Well, it's been almost one month that I don't drink any single drop of alcohol. It's been more than one week since I don't use any kind of heavy drug (well, my real problem is alcohol, but I don't want to find some kind of substitute for the trouble...).

This meanwhile I've not been writing, I spent lots of times with an older lady, almost 10 years older than me, with a little kid, a life in Rio de Janeiro, with her things, apartment, cars, money, older lifestyle, restaurants, fancy parties... I was in love with her for a while, but I really don't know exactly what happened, she freaked up with me, she went absolutely jealousy, insecure, controller, obsessed with me in a way that I couldn't understand and bare. And the separation process, although it was just four months, was very traumatic. So I'm in a soul's vacation right now. Waiting for the peace to come, trying to process everything better, softer, easier.

These days I started running again, and I'm thinking about meditating in a while. I wanted to put some ideas and feelings into the paper, but I don't know why it's been so difficult to write, to express myself honestly. I have so many things inside myself that I want to put outside, but I simple just can't do this.

Something weird is happening these days. Well, as you may know, I don't live alone for a couple years, I've been sharing my apartment with others, to share the expenses and to have company. And this last 8 months I've been living with a beautiful and young french lady. Till 3 weeks ago nothing was going wrong or outside normality, but I've been looking to her a little bit strange, don't know why. We've been getting close friends, and laughing and doing lot's of things together, like having dinner together, watching movies, talking and talking long nights away. And now, when I see her, something weird happens inside me. Don't know exactly what it is, but it's some kind of nervous feeling, trembling and shaking I little bit more than usually.

I should avoid this kind of feeling. Or maybe not.



I've never saw her under the sunlight, we just met during the night, the whole moments we lived together were under the moon. It's been a year now, since we start dating, and we still didn't have sex. She slept here these days, but we were too drunk to do anything besides sleep, and at the morning I had to leave, and when I came back she wasn't here anymore.
It's been a very strange relationship, she have this effect when we are together, she thinks I'm strange, and that I cause something rare on her.

I have no idea what happened yesterday. I was drinking and till some moment everything desapears from my mind. I have no idea. Just wake up in my bed, alone.



Sunday night, going to be early, getting ready for tomorrow's rush.

Suddenly Everything's changed, now I'm dating a fantastic girl, this time officially, and I'm in love, and not missing anymore my ex girl, and everything's going on fine as it can be.


...dear diary

This will be posted in portuguese, sorry, this I have wrote to send to a friend, I needed to share this incredible and beautiful situation that I'm living this last months with someone. These are magic days.

Definitely I start living my golden years...
It seems that now I have a whole bunch of great possibilities of have an absolutely great moment all the time. I have my feature film doing great with the two biggest film festivals in my country, I've been on important newspapers, with lots of cheers and approvals of the film critics. Besides that I'm feeling totally secure of myself, with a great self esteem, and it seems to work so well with the girls and everyone, so I'm having the most beautiful girls I know wanting to be with me, and this is total new for me. And I'm renting the room next door to mine, in my apartment, to a beautiful french girl, and we met each other some nights, we have drinks together, smoke some weed, I playd some acoustic guitar for her, some bossa nova and something like that, and that's fantastic.
The next narrative I'll put here is a mail I've wrote to a friend of mine, to share my experience, but at the end I didn't sent. So I wrote here:

Cara, preciso compartilhar isso com alguém, e ninguém melhor que você. Estava eu calmamente desligando meu computador, me preparando para tomar um banho antes de dormir, por volta da 1 da manhã, e eis que ela chega em casa, meio bêbada e cantando... Foi por pouco, mas enfim, foi difícil escapar. Como você disse, estou com a faca e o queijo na mão, e na porta ao lado da minha tem uma francesa dormindo de porta semi aberta...

Imagine só que eu toquei "faz parte do meu show" do Cazuza, pra ela...

A gente sentou e ficou umas duas horas conversando, ela fumou um beck, eu tomei um uísque, ela tomou mais vinho e eu toquei violão. Ela me deu uns 4 beijos, todos na bochecha. Na hora de dormir achei que ela ia me beijar na boca, talvez fosse mesmo, mas a gente mora junto, isso não pode acontecer, pelo menos não hoje, não por enquanto, eu estou envolvido até o osso com uma mulher linda do Rio de Janeiro, uma diretora de cinema também, como eu. Não teria como eu fazer nada hoje, mas não sei, deixa o tempo, que devasta qualquer coisa, mostrar o que vai acontecer.

No final de semana teve um dia que eu acordei mais cedo, tipo 10, e as duas amigas dela estavam acordadas, mas ela dormindo, eu fiquei tocando um chico buarque no quarto, com a porta entreaberta, as amigas dela ficaram escutando e tomando café da manhã, toquei por mais ou menos 1 hora, então uma das amigas foi ao quarto acordá-la, levou café, ela disse que acordou, escutou a música e perguntou quem tinha colocado aquela música pra tocar, então a amiga dela, francesa e linda, diga-se de passagem, disse que era eu tocando. Ela falou que foi o melhor jeito de acordar possível, escutando uma bossa nova tranquilinha no violão e tomando café da manhã na cama.

Como você me disse, eu estou com a faca e o queijo na mão. Mas eu ainda não sei o que vou fazer, nem quando, nem como. Mas está tudo tão simples. E tão confortável...