It happened again... I can feel the symptons, strong and destabilizing. Now when I come home I start trembling, palpitating, sweating... my heart starts to beat quicker. Some things have been changing in my life. Well, actually my whole life is being pretty different than it was a couple months ago. My mind is stroked focusing obsessed in one thought, one thing.
Today it's been 1 month and 20 days not drinking a single sip of any kind of alcoholic beverage.
Today I can speak french, after 10 days of intense study I climb my first step of this language. It's not fluent, but it's just a matter of time. I guess in 3 months I'll be fluent.
My mind is locked in one single thought, one obsession. That kind of obsession you don't want to pass away, you want it to stay forever inside you.
Damned platonic feelings.
Lost lost lost...
I feel as I've lost the ground I'm stepping over, just as I am floating, flying over the days and nights, floating away with the direction of the wind, always going to the same place, same direction. Floating.
I feel as I need to externalize inner feelings.
Urging to spill this whole giant desire away.
5/20/2013
4/29/2013
Dear diary...
It's been a long time since I don't write here. Lot's of things happened, and I'm still lost and thinking what should I do with everything. What should I do with my mind?
Well, it's been almost one month that I don't drink any single drop of alcohol. It's been more than one week since I don't use any kind of heavy drug (well, my real problem is alcohol, but I don't want to find some kind of substitute for the trouble...).
This meanwhile I've not been writing, I spent lots of times with an older lady, almost 10 years older than me, with a little kid, a life in Rio de Janeiro, with her things, apartment, cars, money, older lifestyle, restaurants, fancy parties... I was in love with her for a while, but I really don't know exactly what happened, she freaked up with me, she went absolutely jealousy, insecure, controller, obsessed with me in a way that I couldn't understand and bare. And the separation process, although it was just four months, was very traumatic. So I'm in a soul's vacation right now. Waiting for the peace to come, trying to process everything better, softer, easier.
These days I started running again, and I'm thinking about meditating in a while. I wanted to put some ideas and feelings into the paper, but I don't know why it's been so difficult to write, to express myself honestly. I have so many things inside myself that I want to put outside, but I simple just can't do this.
Something weird is happening these days. Well, as you may know, I don't live alone for a couple years, I've been sharing my apartment with others, to share the expenses and to have company. And this last 8 months I've been living with a beautiful and young french lady. Till 3 weeks ago nothing was going wrong or outside normality, but I've been looking to her a little bit strange, don't know why. We've been getting close friends, and laughing and doing lot's of things together, like having dinner together, watching movies, talking and talking long nights away. And now, when I see her, something weird happens inside me. Don't know exactly what it is, but it's some kind of nervous feeling, trembling and shaking I little bit more than usually.
I should avoid this kind of feeling. Or maybe not.
Well, it's been almost one month that I don't drink any single drop of alcohol. It's been more than one week since I don't use any kind of heavy drug (well, my real problem is alcohol, but I don't want to find some kind of substitute for the trouble...).
This meanwhile I've not been writing, I spent lots of times with an older lady, almost 10 years older than me, with a little kid, a life in Rio de Janeiro, with her things, apartment, cars, money, older lifestyle, restaurants, fancy parties... I was in love with her for a while, but I really don't know exactly what happened, she freaked up with me, she went absolutely jealousy, insecure, controller, obsessed with me in a way that I couldn't understand and bare. And the separation process, although it was just four months, was very traumatic. So I'm in a soul's vacation right now. Waiting for the peace to come, trying to process everything better, softer, easier.
These days I started running again, and I'm thinking about meditating in a while. I wanted to put some ideas and feelings into the paper, but I don't know why it's been so difficult to write, to express myself honestly. I have so many things inside myself that I want to put outside, but I simple just can't do this.
Something weird is happening these days. Well, as you may know, I don't live alone for a couple years, I've been sharing my apartment with others, to share the expenses and to have company. And this last 8 months I've been living with a beautiful and young french lady. Till 3 weeks ago nothing was going wrong or outside normality, but I've been looking to her a little bit strange, don't know why. We've been getting close friends, and laughing and doing lot's of things together, like having dinner together, watching movies, talking and talking long nights away. And now, when I see her, something weird happens inside me. Don't know exactly what it is, but it's some kind of nervous feeling, trembling and shaking I little bit more than usually.
I should avoid this kind of feeling. Or maybe not.
3/24/2013
Sunlight
I've never saw her under the sunlight, we just met during the night, the whole moments we lived together were under the moon. It's been a year now, since we start dating, and we still didn't have sex. She slept here these days, but we were too drunk to do anything besides sleep, and at the morning I had to leave, and when I came back she wasn't here anymore.
It's been a very strange relationship, she have this effect when we are together, she thinks I'm strange, and that I cause something rare on her.
I have no idea what happened yesterday. I was drinking and till some moment everything desapears from my mind. I have no idea. Just wake up in my bed, alone.
It's been a very strange relationship, she have this effect when we are together, she thinks I'm strange, and that I cause something rare on her.
I have no idea what happened yesterday. I was drinking and till some moment everything desapears from my mind. I have no idea. Just wake up in my bed, alone.
11/25/2012
Changes
Sunday night, going to be early, getting ready for tomorrow's rush.
Suddenly Everything's changed, now I'm dating a fantastic girl, this time officially, and I'm in love, and not missing anymore my ex girl, and everything's going on fine as it can be.
Suddenly Everything's changed, now I'm dating a fantastic girl, this time officially, and I'm in love, and not missing anymore my ex girl, and everything's going on fine as it can be.
11/07/2012
...dear diary
This will be posted in portuguese, sorry, this I have wrote to send to a friend, I needed to share this incredible and beautiful situation that I'm living this last months with someone. These are magic days.
Definitely I start living my golden years...
It seems that now I have a whole bunch of great possibilities of have an absolutely great moment all the time. I have my feature film doing great with the two biggest film festivals in my country, I've been on important newspapers, with lots of cheers and approvals of the film critics. Besides that I'm feeling totally secure of myself, with a great self esteem, and it seems to work so well with the girls and everyone, so I'm having the most beautiful girls I know wanting to be with me, and this is total new for me. And I'm renting the room next door to mine, in my apartment, to a beautiful french girl, and we met each other some nights, we have drinks together, smoke some weed, I playd some acoustic guitar for her, some bossa nova and something like that, and that's fantastic.
The next narrative I'll put here is a mail I've wrote to a friend of mine, to share my experience, but at the end I didn't sent. So I wrote here:
Cara, preciso compartilhar isso com alguém, e ninguém melhor que você. Estava eu calmamente desligando meu computador, me preparando para tomar um banho antes de dormir, por volta da 1 da manhã, e eis que ela chega em casa, meio bêbada e cantando... Foi por pouco, mas enfim, foi difícil escapar. Como você disse, estou com a faca e o queijo na mão, e na porta ao lado da minha tem uma francesa dormindo de porta semi aberta...
Imagine só que eu toquei "faz parte do meu show" do Cazuza, pra ela...
A gente sentou e ficou umas duas horas conversando, ela fumou um beck, eu tomei um uísque, ela tomou mais vinho e eu toquei violão. Ela me deu uns 4 beijos, todos na bochecha. Na hora de dormir achei que ela ia me beijar na boca, talvez fosse mesmo, mas a gente mora junto, isso não pode acontecer, pelo menos não hoje, não por enquanto, eu estou envolvido até o osso com uma mulher linda do Rio de Janeiro, uma diretora de cinema também, como eu. Não teria como eu fazer nada hoje, mas não sei, deixa o tempo, que devasta qualquer coisa, mostrar o que vai acontecer.
No final de semana teve um dia que eu acordei mais cedo, tipo 10, e as duas amigas dela estavam acordadas, mas ela dormindo, eu fiquei tocando um chico buarque no quarto, com a porta entreaberta, as amigas dela ficaram escutando e tomando café da manhã, toquei por mais ou menos 1 hora, então uma das amigas foi ao quarto acordá-la, levou café, ela disse que acordou, escutou a música e perguntou quem tinha colocado aquela música pra tocar, então a amiga dela, francesa e linda, diga-se de passagem, disse que era eu tocando. Ela falou que foi o melhor jeito de acordar possível, escutando uma bossa nova tranquilinha no violão e tomando café da manhã na cama.
Como você me disse, eu estou com a faca e o queijo na mão. Mas eu ainda não sei o que vou fazer, nem quando, nem como. Mas está tudo tão simples. E tão confortável...
Definitely I start living my golden years...
It seems that now I have a whole bunch of great possibilities of have an absolutely great moment all the time. I have my feature film doing great with the two biggest film festivals in my country, I've been on important newspapers, with lots of cheers and approvals of the film critics. Besides that I'm feeling totally secure of myself, with a great self esteem, and it seems to work so well with the girls and everyone, so I'm having the most beautiful girls I know wanting to be with me, and this is total new for me. And I'm renting the room next door to mine, in my apartment, to a beautiful french girl, and we met each other some nights, we have drinks together, smoke some weed, I playd some acoustic guitar for her, some bossa nova and something like that, and that's fantastic.
The next narrative I'll put here is a mail I've wrote to a friend of mine, to share my experience, but at the end I didn't sent. So I wrote here:
Cara, preciso compartilhar isso com alguém, e ninguém melhor que você. Estava eu calmamente desligando meu computador, me preparando para tomar um banho antes de dormir, por volta da 1 da manhã, e eis que ela chega em casa, meio bêbada e cantando... Foi por pouco, mas enfim, foi difícil escapar. Como você disse, estou com a faca e o queijo na mão, e na porta ao lado da minha tem uma francesa dormindo de porta semi aberta...
Imagine só que eu toquei "faz parte do meu show" do Cazuza, pra ela...
A gente sentou e ficou umas duas horas conversando, ela fumou um beck, eu tomei um uísque, ela tomou mais vinho e eu toquei violão. Ela me deu uns 4 beijos, todos na bochecha. Na hora de dormir achei que ela ia me beijar na boca, talvez fosse mesmo, mas a gente mora junto, isso não pode acontecer, pelo menos não hoje, não por enquanto, eu estou envolvido até o osso com uma mulher linda do Rio de Janeiro, uma diretora de cinema também, como eu. Não teria como eu fazer nada hoje, mas não sei, deixa o tempo, que devasta qualquer coisa, mostrar o que vai acontecer.
No final de semana teve um dia que eu acordei mais cedo, tipo 10, e as duas amigas dela estavam acordadas, mas ela dormindo, eu fiquei tocando um chico buarque no quarto, com a porta entreaberta, as amigas dela ficaram escutando e tomando café da manhã, toquei por mais ou menos 1 hora, então uma das amigas foi ao quarto acordá-la, levou café, ela disse que acordou, escutou a música e perguntou quem tinha colocado aquela música pra tocar, então a amiga dela, francesa e linda, diga-se de passagem, disse que era eu tocando. Ela falou que foi o melhor jeito de acordar possível, escutando uma bossa nova tranquilinha no violão e tomando café da manhã na cama.
Como você me disse, eu estou com a faca e o queijo na mão. Mas eu ainda não sei o que vou fazer, nem quando, nem como. Mas está tudo tão simples. E tão confortável...
6/28/2012
9 months now
It's been 9 months and I still can't take her from my mind. That's sad. And recently I've started to call her again, to send messages and mails... she doesn't answer nothing. And she ignores me totally, even that we didn't fight or nothing, we just didn't talk anymore, for nothing.
I wonder what's been on her mind, how's her day by day, what she feels... but nothing, not a single word.
I know it's time to forget, to erase her from me, but I just can't do this. I can't stop thinking on her. Almost everyday I think about writing her, I think about what word should I put to her, what should I tell. But in the end I don't do nothing, and most of the time I think it's better like this. The last time we broke up I'd wrote a lot, begging and crawling, crying and suffering. She was cold as ice, but at the end we started again, till the last time, when I wen't to Cuba for 1 month. Then she totally desapear again, but this time I thought I shouldn't go through this humiliation, I thought I should wait till she calls me and thinks better. But she didn't.
And so now I am sad and abandoned. For 9 months.
Shit. Why do I love her so fucking much?
I wonder what's been on her mind, how's her day by day, what she feels... but nothing, not a single word.
I know it's time to forget, to erase her from me, but I just can't do this. I can't stop thinking on her. Almost everyday I think about writing her, I think about what word should I put to her, what should I tell. But in the end I don't do nothing, and most of the time I think it's better like this. The last time we broke up I'd wrote a lot, begging and crawling, crying and suffering. She was cold as ice, but at the end we started again, till the last time, when I wen't to Cuba for 1 month. Then she totally desapear again, but this time I thought I shouldn't go through this humiliation, I thought I should wait till she calls me and thinks better. But she didn't.
And so now I am sad and abandoned. For 9 months.
Shit. Why do I love her so fucking much?
6/18/2012
Letting her go
I guess until I don't let her go away of my heart I won't be free to be happy and healthy.
3/07/2012
Tomorrow
And what if one of us dies tomorrow?
How could I live without talking to you again? Without putting an end over this.
We don't speak with each other since 25th october, when I came back from Cuba, after one month and a half far far away... I called her and she told me she was too tired to see me, maybe other day. And this after one month and a half traveling.
I told her I would call her the next day, but don't. I wrote her some hours later telling that if she want to talk to me she could call me. And then... 6 month passed away and we didn't talked yet.
I know her for 10 years. We've been together as a couple for 2 years. And it ends like this?
Now what if one of us dies tomorrow?
How could I live without talking to you again? Without putting an end over this.
We don't speak with each other since 25th october, when I came back from Cuba, after one month and a half far far away... I called her and she told me she was too tired to see me, maybe other day. And this after one month and a half traveling.
I told her I would call her the next day, but don't. I wrote her some hours later telling that if she want to talk to me she could call me. And then... 6 month passed away and we didn't talked yet.
I know her for 10 years. We've been together as a couple for 2 years. And it ends like this?
Now what if one of us dies tomorrow?
Project
These days I'll start a new project. Video project to this fucking shit.
The idea is that I am a foreigner on this wasteland, and I want to put my vision into this and use the video language to register my thoughts and to get some conclusion, or to try to understand better this bizarre world.
The idea is that I am a foreigner on this wasteland, and I want to put my vision into this and use the video language to register my thoughts and to get some conclusion, or to try to understand better this bizarre world.
Freaking out
This weekend I was totally freaking out. By the way this last 15 days I was totally freaking out. Alcohol, drugs, sex, party all the time. I was fine, but not so well. Actually I am sad. Very sad.
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