It's been a long time since I don't write here. Lot's of things happened, and I'm still lost and thinking what should I do with everything. What should I do with my mind?
Well, it's been almost one month that I don't drink any single drop of alcohol. It's been more than one week since I don't use any kind of heavy drug (well, my real problem is alcohol, but I don't want to find some kind of substitute for the trouble...).
This meanwhile I've not been writing, I spent lots of times with an older lady, almost 10 years older than me, with a little kid, a life in Rio de Janeiro, with her things, apartment, cars, money, older lifestyle, restaurants, fancy parties... I was in love with her for a while, but I really don't know exactly what happened, she freaked up with me, she went absolutely jealousy, insecure, controller, obsessed with me in a way that I couldn't understand and bare. And the separation process, although it was just four months, was very traumatic. So I'm in a soul's vacation right now. Waiting for the peace to come, trying to process everything better, softer, easier.
These days I started running again, and I'm thinking about meditating in a while. I wanted to put some ideas and feelings into the paper, but I don't know why it's been so difficult to write, to express myself honestly. I have so many things inside myself that I want to put outside, but I simple just can't do this.
Something weird is happening these days. Well, as you may know, I don't live alone for a couple years, I've been sharing my apartment with others, to share the expenses and to have company. And this last 8 months I've been living with a beautiful and young french lady. Till 3 weeks ago nothing was going wrong or outside normality, but I've been looking to her a little bit strange, don't know why. We've been getting close friends, and laughing and doing lot's of things together, like having dinner together, watching movies, talking and talking long nights away. And now, when I see her, something weird happens inside me. Don't know exactly what it is, but it's some kind of nervous feeling, trembling and shaking I little bit more than usually.
I should avoid this kind of feeling. Or maybe not.