The depression

Well, finally I've found it. Or, to be more precise, it founds me, the depression. I think I'm depressed, finally. It is time.


After the rehearsal

I have a strange impression that I was born to make art. And I usually work with this, and the things I do well are the things related with art, it can be music, drama, visual art, rhythm. But I have a strong difficulty with some issues related to the practice, to the negotiations, selling it and living with it.


She was lonely

That day she was lonely, drunk, and writing sad things on the facebook. I was working alone at my company, waiting electronic processes in the computer and while the machine keeps processing I was spending time at the social net. I didn't know that girl, but felt I little pity because of what she was saying, so I started a conversation with her. Five minutes later she asks my number and call me. She invited me to go to her house, and I accepted. We didn't know each other and I bought beer, water, condoms and took a taxi. When I get there she told me that she lives alone and there was a friend of her sleeping. The guy awake and we have a long conversation, he was a very nice person, and so do her, we have a good conversation while we've taste the beer, he was a photographer too (I also works with this subject - besides my firstly video and movie occupation).
One hour later he went away and then Paty and I went upstairs, to her big bed. She took of my clothes, we both get naked, touched each other and everything happened. Two hours later we slept.
The next day we awoke together and I went to my company. We never see each other again, she started to have a relationship, I continue with my life, and that was just a moment when our lives crossed each other and went away each with each way.
It was good, it was weird.


Christmas Eve

It was Christmas. That's the year coming to an end.

I can't think of what will be the next year, and yet I have no idea of what will be for my "reveillon", if I'll go to the country house with my family, father, brother, sister, nephew... or if I'll go south for the beaches, an island where a friend of mine lives... seems to be so good.

Still trying to forget her. Still remembering that I need to forget her. Remembering her.


Last party of the year

This year we've had a lot of parties at my producer company. The place is perfect for this, and to complete the situation we have a neighbor that is a beverage distributor, that brought us beer any time of the night, we just need to call and show him the money.

These events went crazier and crazier during the year, with lots of drunk people, drugs and stuff like this. Actually almost every party of cinema's people the drugs is present, and sometimes I've been using some coke and weed, besides the alcohol (I used to drink a lot).

At this party I was finally sober. From the beginning till the end. It's been 10 days since I've stopped with everything. But still I stay at the party till the end, at 5 or 6 o'clock. And I don't know where do I take so many strength to to this, but I do, I dance, I talk, I watch and listen everything.

10 days ago happened something, an accident. This last 2 month I've been to many crazy situations, in Cuba, where I spent 1 month in a Cinema School isolated from civilization, an insane moment of my life. In one party, extremely drunk and crazy, I've lost my wallet with almost all my money and my 3 cards (1 credit and two debit). It was the first signal.

Then, already in Brazil, I've went to a party at one sunday, drank like there is no tomorrow and when I realize I was coming back home by the mourning, very far from home, walking and drunk, totally drunk... and without my glasses... So, this day I've lost my glasses.

And finally I've went to a birthday of a friend, got drunk, very drunk, and, besides I was drunk the situation was hard too, I've felt directly with my face to the ground. Lost a tooth (a little bit later I could re-implant at the same place), almost break my nose.

Since this day I'm not drinking for a while, maybe for ever.

To forget you

Trying hard, but the wrong way, to forget you. Day by day.

I write this to forget. I remembering to forget you everyday. Everyday trying to forget you, everytime.

Remembering when we were happy together, when I was able to look into your eyes and say that I love you, that you were, you are, the love of my life.
I still can say that, but you cannot listen, you don't want to listen anymore.

Maybe you're right. I gave you this possibility, to don not listen anymore, to let you leave me once and for all. To let you let me go and to go away. I did this because we were fighting, disagreeing, arguing almost everyday, it was hard as hell to be together. And I still wanted to be with other girls, to feel the new, untouchable, and smooth skin of them. To feel the novelty that's all around, this temptation.

But deep inside I know that you are the one that I love the most.

So, months later, years later, I'm writing this to forget you. Like I did years and years ago, when you broke my heart so many times. And again and again.
This time I think maybe I'd broke yours. But I still don't know if you have a heart to be broken, or if I, in any moment of our life together, had the importance for you to break your heart. I don't think I did.

But I stand broken and sad. Very sad.
But ok, I won't gave it away to the sadness. I'll stand tall and looking forward. Recovering.

I'll write till I forget. Maybe forever.



Now I'm again with her, and it's so good. There's nothing better than have her naked over me, loving and kissing.

Well, and now I'm on that process of telling all the other girls that I am not available anymore. One by one breaking hearts, that's weird and sad, but by other point of view that's great, because I'm feeling great.

So, this week I'll try to handle with this till thursday.


Time to breathe

After long days of hard work, no free day for more than 1 month... now I start to breathe again. Yesterday, sunday, was my first free day, and today is a relatively easy monday. Good, I need to take some projects going, to put my company working harder, not just to do what I was doing, but to go somewhere else, and find new business.

These hard days that I just passed made me feel like I was a slave, working hard with lots of pressure, stress and anything. But I don't regret anything, and it was good, I've learnt lots of things, and reached good results. It's very important too.

Now I just need to organize myself not to loose time, to stay concentrated and make it happen.


To say no

I wish I'd said no to lots of things I've didn't.

I shouldn't say yes.

I wonder what if I could go back to the past and change it. Going back to past just to say no.

To say no, and no and no.

It would be very healthy, to say no to some things I didn't. Mainly to some works.

I've should have said no to lots of things.

It seems to be sad to realize this, but it's true.

Because of that now I have a lot of unfinished business here.
I hate unfinished business. Really hate it.

So lets start finishing it, and I need to learn to say no.

No, and no, and no. I won't do it. I don't do it. I do not want to do it. I cannot. I can't. I shan't. I shouldn't. I couldn't.

That's it.
I must practice.



Waste of time

I'm here totally amazed with this fucking waste of time.

All day long awaiting. Waiting nothing. And waiting. Waiting the end of this fucking test.

And I'm sleepy, I want to sleep, run, eat, take a shower... to do lots of things that I can't do here, at my company.

I fucking hate publicity, but this shit pay my bills.


I woke up late. Pretty late for my job today. This is very bad.

But ok, what can I do now, after a couple hours.

I was totally drunk and wasted at the time I was programed to be here. At my company.
That's bad.

I know I was wrong, and I don't have anything to say.
I won't say nothing.
I won't say a thing.
Just listen to the humiliation. And be sad.

I hate to be wrong, to be guilty. But it was all my fault.

Yesterday I got really, and absolutely drunk and wasted. Why I do such thing?

But ok. What can I do now? It's pretty fuckin' over.

Well well, my business partner asked a good question today: "was it good yesterday?" "did it worth at least?"
Oh yeah. It did.

It was awesome.
I didn't expect for that. Absolutely not.

But it was. A very little, tiny, low profile party. But it was awesome for me.

And it was like this just because I met a girl that I already knew.

But I didn't do anything with her. I couldn't.

The girl that made the party, her birthday, is a little bit in love with me. She told me not to bring any girl to the party, and not to be with no girl there. I respected that.

But oh man, today I think about yesterday, me and Ana, and I think it was a waste of time, to not be with her. She's beautiful.
I met her some years ago, in a party. I was with a guy, a friend of mine, and the party was in his house, and I met her. She was with her ex-boyfriend, a musician of a famous band from here, the singer. And she was absolutely beautiful, I couldn't even think when I saw her.

And yesterday she was on me. She danced with me. She held my body, kissed me on my cheek.
That was beautiful. She kissing me on my cheek. Absolutely amazing.
I just remember this. She kissing me on my cheek.
She tried to respect her friend, Paula, that wasn't happy with that at all.

But I'm sorry, I cannot be with her anymore. With Paula. No. I love her, but she's no girl for me. We don't need to be together again. We shouldn't be together again. It's oh so fucking over.
It's over.
I want to be with that girl. Ana.
She's amazing, man.
Pretty fucking amazing.

Now I'm thinking what I will do to be with her. To find her.
I don't know her phone number, her email, nothing...
And I don't even know her last name. Not at all.
And I cannot ask it to Paula. It's unfair.
But I'm really thinking about it. To ask her her contact.

Thanks god my girl wasn't there yesterday. It was good. Even because I am not compromised with her. We are no marriage.

I was alone and single.
And it was amazing.
I think, sometimes, that I need to be single for some months, at least.

Well well.
That's nice. Pretty fucking nice.

What can I do now?
I don't even get her contact.

She was writing in a little notebook, writing a lot.

She wrote lots of things.
She wrote her thoughts.

At some point I thought about writing something in her notebook. But I was fucking drunk to do that. I should do that.
To put my phone number and a message that she needed to call me today. Without my name or nothing.

She needs to find me. I am so easy to find. She needs to find me.
I've tried to found her, but till now I wasn't able.

She's rare.



Today I am feeling that I'm absolutely crazy, freaking out. Delusional thoughts invading my brain like I am out of control. But besides that I'm still sitting with a good behavior at the computer, and working.

Ok, I'm just being dramatic, but I really feel strange today. And I am pretty sure that it's all about that girl, that one that I accidentally fell in love this days. And now I'm doing it all wrong, like I was a little kid, without knowing what to do, turning what could be an absolutely great thing into a misery suffering feeling. And that rejection I already told.

I got a feeling that I am a child again, lost in this social behavior agreements. I've lost every kind of rule that I should be following (or not, maybe to follow social rules isn't always a good thing).

The fact is that I desperately want to know where will it all lead me, where will this relationship lead my life. I'm fucking lost.


Well well

After all the rejection thing wasn't at all a truly rejection, and yesterday I've got it up again, and she dated with me and it was awesome.
But still it's a strange relationship, not at all, but a little bit strange.
Today I'm going to travel alone, without her. And it's sucks. If i knew she won't be coming I would had canceled this trip, but she told me yesterday that she wasn't be coming today, so it was impossible to tell my friends that it wasn't going to happen, so here I am, going with 4 couples to spend a weekend at the countryside. She did bad this time, oh yeah. Bad girl.

I'm not sad anymore, ok. I'm fine. Just because of yesterday, just because of her. I'm in her hands, and that's a pretty frightening thing. And despairing too. I don't really know what I should do now. I just know that I need to go easy and slow, to put the brakes on it. Slow and easy.



Rejection, a real bad feeling to feel.
Today is my 2011 rejection day. 2 girls in a little interval of 5 minutes rejecting me. My ex-girlfriend, that don't even lives in my city cuts me from her facebook and said goodbye again, for the third time. She said that it's been harmful for her to stand knowing about me, and that it's better to cut our relation at this point. Ok, so cut it. Bitch.

The second rejection is a girl that I'm fucking ridiculously in love these days. It's very bad to be in love like this, without thinking, frightening her, and doing everything wrong. Every single thing wrong. And so things went finally bad today. She was going home with me tomorrow, to sleep here and saturday we will go travel. But now she's not coming anymore. And now, at this very moment, I'm sitting here alone and broke. Fuck. Why they do this? At the same day.

Well, I don't really know what to do right now. Maybe sleep, maybe go to the supermarket or something... I don't know.

Shit, I cleansed all my home, hired a cleaner to get everything clean. Shit shit.