As soon as the time passed by I started to see something in her look, in her eyes, in her voice, her smell, her skin...
That happened as soon as we get closer and closer. I'd fell in love with her. Totally, absolutely.
It was a hard party, with lots of alcohol, lots of people. We went there together, just two of us, very close and friendly. After some beer we went dancing, and after some eye contact I kissed her as I was crazy to do. It was, for that little moment, one of the greatest feelings we can have. That long and passionate first kiss, with lots of adrenalin, emotion, pleasure and love.
After that kiss she looked deeply in my eyes and told me one of the harder thing I've had to bear. She was a lesbian.
I was totally broken hearted, sad, pouring tears from my eyes.
For two or three years we've had a deep friendship, and sometimes we kissed each other, had that kind of conversation and relationship as a couple, a very complex relationship.
And one day I've fuck it all up. At a party, without her, I've kissed the wrong girl. Well, she kissed me, and just for one reason, to create that jealousy feeling at her, and it works. So we don't talk anymore for some years.
I am thinking about writing her tomorrow.
I’d never missed her so much as I am missing her today. I guess it’s tougher when you are in a family reunion for some days in the country and everybody has his own partners and no one but me will sleep alone. And when I am here I always remember her because we’ve spent so many beautiful moments together in this place that it’s impossible to forget.
I can’t stop remembering her smile, her voice, her hair, her smell, her temperature, her size, her taste, her skin, her mouth, her eyes…
I am curious to know how much does she thinks of me, if she thinks. How much does she misses me. I am dying to see her again, to kiss her, to be with her, but I am controlling myself to not calling her and trying to forget her. But it seems to be impossible. So difficult, so difficult…
I have this terrible fear that maybe I'll love her forever, tragically forever.
The year is almost over, just two more days.
This is a very abnormally cold december, I am thinking of what can happen tomorrow. I’ve decided to spent this year’s passage with my family, my father, brother, sister, nephew, etc. Very smooth and easy, slowing down that erratically rhythm I was living during this crazy year. I was losing my mind doing the things I’ve done, drink so much and getting so crazy all the time. Well, not always, I used to have the days of the week working and functioning, but always at the end of the week I was getting very drunk and stunned. Now everything’s different, I guess, but tomorrow I think I would love to have some drink with someone.
The way I miss you is so strong that I feel it’s an everyday fight to keep calm and standing tall and not calling you or writing you desperately…
The funny thing is that I am feeling all of this like I am just waiting your call, I’m waiting you to get in touch with me. I am waiting your reaction, your feelings.
I wait everyday the day you will call me, tell me that you can’t stand anymore without me, that I am the love of your life, and that we must be together forever.
But I simply know that you’ll never do that… and I have the sad, sad, sad and deep feeling that you never felt the same I’ve felt for you for me. You never loved me as I love you. And, besides that, you always told me that I am the one that don’t know how to love. That’s funny.
I think you never loved me for real. And I think sadly that you are the love of my life. And this is all a tragedy.
Everyday I think of the day we’ll met by chance, someday lost in our future lives, a single day that I’ll see you again in front of me, that I will be able to look directly into your eyes and maybe say that I love you, even though I know that you’d never loved me, never ever loved me.