Spy

When you spy someone, the more you know the more is dangerous to be close to this person. Mostly when you are under the alcohol effect.

And again

Thinking on how to do it, how to stand up and walk along the way, to look forward and to be where I want.
I guess the most important thing for me to do now is to find a way to be fine with everything I have, to find some balance between what I am and what I want to be. To find a balance with the money I own and the money I spend.
Must find a balance in my sentimental life. At least I have one. I remember the time when I was totally disillusioned and empty, with my heart empty. Now it's full. The matter is that is way up full, it's overflowing, and lost. I have strong and deep feelings waving over my heart and my head, annoying me, making me sad and lost, don't know what to do for the next hour, next day, next week.
Now I'm just writing to put it all outside, to throw this feeling away, to rethink and try to find some path to go.

There's one thing that I need to change. The way I think, the things I put in my head. I know it's all wrong.
I am an obsessed guy, with lots of obsessions and repeated thinking. I think about Erica all the time, for example, and Flávia, and some others. That's a love and sex obsession, and I trying to get rid of all this behavior. I've decided that I'll put everything I really need in my head. To think straight and to find solutions for real problems and not waste more time thinking on what I don't need. But it's not easy.

back

Oh yeah.

That was amazing. So amazing.

To kiss her. To feel her body against mine.

This is incredible good.

For a moment I thought she was going without kiss me, she said no, and no, and that I was drunk. And yes, I didn't deny that, I am drunk, yeah. But oh so yeah I want to kiss you, I'd said.

And she said that it wasn't the issue we were talking about.

And I said, yes, if it wasn't now it is.

And she said she couldn't talk about that like this.

And I asked her why?

After a while we started kissing each other, for some time.

And we couldn't stop it. It was almost impossible to stop, she's almost slept here. But unfortunately she didn't.

And now she's gone. It's late, 6 o'clock!

And now

I'm going for a beer with a girl.

And for the other girl (another different from everygirl I mention here), that is very far, far in another country, Mexico, far Mexico. Just said: "te quiero mucho".

And now on my way.

Trash!

That could be the way I could feel.

But not. I'm in a pretty good mood, besides the fact that she disappeared, she that I liked so much. I thought we would be together and it would be the maximum of the best feeling I would get in my whole life. Despite that I'm in a pretty good mood. Just complaining to keep the tradition role.

Well, this is my free space, to complaint, to shout, to put the words free.

And now I'm just talking with a girl. And hit the word: let's go out for a beer?

Waiting...

And now

she disappeared...

That's sad, because I guess it would be fantastic if it wasn't like that. But there's still time.

Something wrong with my mind

Sometimes I think that's something very wrong with my mind. When I like someone I can't think about anything else, and I fell totally in love and desperately quick and strong. Yes, it's scary.

And so soon

I've been totally caught by her.

And now it's another girl, and that's very interesting.

Till two weeks ago I was totally suffering because of my ex girl, we've been together for 2 years, and I was crazy about her for 10 years. The first time I've kissed her was in 2001, a couple of months after we met.

At that time I was dating another girl, but that afternoon, after the study (we were studying together in a preparation for the university test) we went on to a bar and started drinking together, I'd laid my hand over her hand and then we kissed. After that I've always thought about her as someone I was really crazy about - but she didn't felt it back.

And she's been dating other guys, and so I did the same, but always insisted in her. Later for 2 years she didn't even let me see her, she was serious relating with other guy and disappeared completely to me. I've suffered a lot, but after a while dated other girls, had my girlfriends and all.

Some years later she let me be with her again, we dated, but never had nothing serious, just because she didn't want nothing serious with me, but I always did.

At some point we started dating more and more, at the beginning one or twice a month, then every week, then every opportunity, but at that time I was engaged with another girl, and so I ended my relationship to be with her. We engaged, lived together for almost a year.

We suffered a lot, like every couple. Sometimes I ask myself why it's always this way? Why we have to suffer always?

We have two beautiful years together, but she never trusted me, she always thought I was cheating her, and she had a point because I'd cheated other 3 girls with her, but I'd never cheated Erica.

She dumped me later, just because she was paranoid, thinking I'd cheated her. We got back again, and then fought some time, get back again, and repeated it two or three times again. Lot of suffering.

I've spent lots of time thinking on her. Such a waste of time. I still feel something very strong for her. I guess I could be together again with her. But now maybe I'll forget her.

Till now I'd never found a girl that produces something important in my mind, or my heart, whatever. Till last weekend, to be more accurate.

And now my head is full of her, this new girl, this girl I've met last saturday - but she isn't new at all, but for same way she is new for me. Actually I knew her for 10 years too, she was at the same course, 10 years ago, when I met Erica, but at that time she was dating a friend of ours, and we are still a group of friends that always hang out together (tomorrow we'll do this). And I took 10 years to give her a kiss, not because I wasn't interested, I've always liked her a lot, but never thought by this perspective, I don't know why. But it happened, and oh it was amazingly fine and almost disturbingly fine.

I've spent the whole week thinking of her. Not a single day, afternoon or hour that she wasn't totally outside my head.

What bothers me is my anxiety. I am fucking anxious about this. I try to imagine what's on her mind. What does she feel. I try to imagine what the future reserves for me.

It's one of that times when you spend just a night with someone and you think you could marry that girl and be with her for your whole life. Although I have no idea what will be tomorrow.

This is totally scary!

Everything is changed

Suddenly everything is changed.

Yesterday was fucking great, awesome, fantastic... every great and positive word to describe yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous, smart, kind, sweet. She's everything I want now.

As horas

Queria que a noite tivesse a duração que eu bem entendesse.

Que durante a noite eu pudesse decidir até que horas seria a hora que eu quisesse.

Hours and hours passing by. Escaping from my hands. Night going away, changing into day.

And so many songs to listen, so many movies, so much things to do. So much time to think I need.

And soon the night is over, and I need to be ready for another day of work.

And day after day I need to do a lot of things that I am not completely sure about. At least I'm not working with publicity, such criminal activity...