Waste of time

I'm here totally amazed with this fucking waste of time.

All day long awaiting. Waiting nothing. And waiting. Waiting the end of this fucking test.

And I'm sleepy, I want to sleep, run, eat, take a shower... to do lots of things that I can't do here, at my company.

I fucking hate publicity, but this shit pay my bills.

today

I woke up late. Pretty late for my job today. This is very bad.

But ok, what can I do now, after a couple hours.

I was totally drunk and wasted at the time I was programed to be here. At my company.
That's bad.

I know I was wrong, and I don't have anything to say.
Nothing.
I won't say nothing.
I won't say a thing.
Just listen to the humiliation. And be sad.

I hate to be wrong, to be guilty. But it was all my fault.

Yesterday I got really, and absolutely drunk and wasted. Why I do such thing?

But ok. What can I do now? It's pretty fuckin' over.

Well well, my business partner asked a good question today: "was it good yesterday?" "did it worth at least?"
Oh yeah. It did.

It was awesome.
I didn't expect for that. Absolutely not.

But it was. A very little, tiny, low profile party. But it was awesome for me.

And it was like this just because I met a girl that I already knew.

But I didn't do anything with her. I couldn't.

The girl that made the party, her birthday, is a little bit in love with me. She told me not to bring any girl to the party, and not to be with no girl there. I respected that.

But oh man, today I think about yesterday, me and Ana, and I think it was a waste of time, to not be with her. She's beautiful.
I met her some years ago, in a party. I was with a guy, a friend of mine, and the party was in his house, and I met her. She was with her ex-boyfriend, a musician of a famous band from here, the singer. And she was absolutely beautiful, I couldn't even think when I saw her.

And yesterday she was on me. She danced with me. She held my body, kissed me on my cheek.
That was beautiful. She kissing me on my cheek. Absolutely amazing.
I just remember this. She kissing me on my cheek.
She tried to respect her friend, Paula, that wasn't happy with that at all.

But I'm sorry, I cannot be with her anymore. With Paula. No. I love her, but she's no girl for me. We don't need to be together again. We shouldn't be together again. It's oh so fucking over.
It's over.
I want to be with that girl. Ana.
She's amazing, man.
Pretty fucking amazing.

Now I'm thinking what I will do to be with her. To find her.
I don't know her phone number, her email, nothing...
And I don't even know her last name. Not at all.
And I cannot ask it to Paula. It's unfair.
But I'm really thinking about it. To ask her her contact.

Thanks god my girl wasn't there yesterday. It was good. Even because I am not compromised with her. We are no marriage.

I was alone and single.
And it was amazing.
I think, sometimes, that I need to be single for some months, at least.

Well well.
That's nice. Pretty fucking nice.

What can I do now?
I don't even get her contact.

She was writing in a little notebook, writing a lot.

She wrote lots of things.
She wrote her thoughts.

At some point I thought about writing something in her notebook. But I was fucking drunk to do that. I should do that.
To put my phone number and a message that she needed to call me today. Without my name or nothing.

She needs to find me. I am so easy to find. She needs to find me.
I've tried to found her, but till now I wasn't able.

She's rare.

Crazy

Today I am feeling that I'm absolutely crazy, freaking out. Delusional thoughts invading my brain like I am out of control. But besides that I'm still sitting with a good behavior at the computer, and working.

Ok, I'm just being dramatic, but I really feel strange today. And I am pretty sure that it's all about that girl, that one that I accidentally fell in love this days. And now I'm doing it all wrong, like I was a little kid, without knowing what to do, turning what could be an absolutely great thing into a misery suffering feeling. And that rejection I already told.

I got a feeling that I am a child again, lost in this social behavior agreements. I've lost every kind of rule that I should be following (or not, maybe to follow social rules isn't always a good thing).

The fact is that I desperately want to know where will it all lead me, where will this relationship lead my life. I'm fucking lost.

Well well

After all the rejection thing wasn't at all a truly rejection, and yesterday I've got it up again, and she dated with me and it was awesome.
But still it's a strange relationship, not at all, but a little bit strange.
Today I'm going to travel alone, without her. And it's sucks. If i knew she won't be coming I would had canceled this trip, but she told me yesterday that she wasn't be coming today, so it was impossible to tell my friends that it wasn't going to happen, so here I am, going with 4 couples to spend a weekend at the countryside. She did bad this time, oh yeah. Bad girl.

I'm not sad anymore, ok. I'm fine. Just because of yesterday, just because of her. I'm in her hands, and that's a pretty frightening thing. And despairing too. I don't really know what I should do now. I just know that I need to go easy and slow, to put the brakes on it. Slow and easy.

Shit

Rejection, a real bad feeling to feel.
Today is my 2011 rejection day. 2 girls in a little interval of 5 minutes rejecting me. My ex-girlfriend, that don't even lives in my city cuts me from her facebook and said goodbye again, for the third time. She said that it's been harmful for her to stand knowing about me, and that it's better to cut our relation at this point. Ok, so cut it. Bitch.

The second rejection is a girl that I'm fucking ridiculously in love these days. It's very bad to be in love like this, without thinking, frightening her, and doing everything wrong. Every single thing wrong. And so things went finally bad today. She was going home with me tomorrow, to sleep here and saturday we will go travel. But now she's not coming anymore. And now, at this very moment, I'm sitting here alone and broke. Fuck. Why they do this? At the same day.

Well, I don't really know what to do right now. Maybe sleep, maybe go to the supermarket or something... I don't know.

Shit, I cleansed all my home, hired a cleaner to get everything clean. Shit shit.

Saturday night

This reminds me Beavis & Butt Head screaming "saturdayyyy nighttttt!!".

Oh yeah. Since mi ex-girl dumped me things are doing like that. Not like Beavis neither Butt Head, thanks god hehehehe.

I think today will be a very alcoholic night, I'm going out to a party open bar, 30 years birthday of 3 friends I barely know. It will be freaking crazy I suppose.

Sleepy

I'm wandering if I go to bed right now or wait till the night get on. If I go to bed now I'll wake up very early, what can be good if I go to my company after the car shift begin.

Today I ate japanese food at a good restaurant, but I'm feeling a little bit apathetic these days, without feeling too much and getting what I need from the environment I in. It's sad to be like this, because I cannot stand for anything this way. I am feeling this for one week or more. I guess seeing my ex-girl made me feel like this. I went to her city and she went to the same music show I did, It was some kind of coincidence, but isn't a coincidence at all, because she is friend of the musicians and so am I, and I knew she was going, and couldn't do nothing. Well I could not went there, but I didn't want to do that because of her, it doesn't matter.
It's been 1 year and a half I didn't see her. The last time we were together, our last goodbye, was some of the most sad moments of my entire life. I've cried the whole night long. Actually I broke with her, was my decision, one of the toughest decisions of my life, but it was, in certain way, impossible to continue together at that point, we needed a decision. So it was very sad to see her again.

Well, I guess I'm going to sleep. Oh yeah.

Some little vacations and back

After some 4 days of vacation I am back! Well, I could rested a little bit more, but it was nice after all. I went to a farm far away from the city, in a beautiful and bucolic place, with some horses, a pool, barbecue, beer and lots of good stuff. My girl went there with me and we had lots of good sex and love. We sit by the fire, drank some wine and whiskey, watch some movies (unfortunately bad ones). Ok, that's what I was in need. But I still need to get a larger vacation, go far from everything, rest a lot, see other things, people and cultures. I want to go north, to see the forest, and maybe to go to Europe again, alone, and travel all around, partying and seeing what is there to see. But for some days I'll stay here, working a lot!

I need to sit my fat ass again and start to write for real, not waste my time. I need to write my projects, to write my dreams, my thoughts, my imagination. I need to prepare myself to something bigger and better than this, or else I'll be doing this forever

Sometimes we think that life and success is about luck or faith, but don't. You must construct your path, to struggle, to dedicate yourself everyday, every hour, to live your project, even when you're sleeping you can do something in your dreams, explore your unconscious to get to some places nobody ever went.

One of the most important things for me is to find discipline. I must find it, organize it, and live with it. But it's not so ease as it is to talk about, to do something is pretty much harder than talk about wanting to do.

Well, lets go to the news now, ok?

Today I'd spent my night video shooting on my studio, just watching and reading something else, thinking and doing nothing but waiting. It's a little waste of time, but they are paying me for this, so, ok. Money can buy my time, and, unfortunately, I can't be more expensive like I wanted to be at this moment.

This week my business partner is coming back to Brazil and it'll be very important to make some things happen quickly. Without him the whole working process went slow, but I am working to keep it going, even if sometimes it's very difficult like last week, when I've had to spend even night shift awaken here (like I'm doing today, but tomorrow I'll get here just at the afternoon).

Next week will be decisive for me and my partners, I guess. Lot's of things happening, and good things, I guess. So lets wait a little bit more to have some good news.

Working schedule - freaking out

Ok, let's face it. In 15 minutes I'll face the second part of today's job.

Now it's 8pm o'clock, I've arrived here at 8am, so I've spent 12 hours working, and it was the first part of today's job. Now I'm exporting some video and audio material to start working the second part.

This week's been a hell on earth, yesterday I've quit working at 1 am, and slept something like 5 hours. And now I'm starting the second part of the work, that possibly will end just tomorrow morning, maybe at 6, or 7 am. So I'm already tired, just imagining this.
Now the computer's working, so I got a little time to think, read the news, drink some coffee (to keep awaken), but I wish I could sleep, and no, 15 or 20 minutes isn't enough for a good sleep, and tomorrow is the deadline of this work (it started 10 days earlier, and since them I've been working like the world's going to end tomorrow, something like 15 or 16 hours per day - including saturday and sunday, the whole day).

I'm tired of working with something that don't give me nothing beyond money. Just money, a little bit money (if it was something like 100 thousand dolars or something it could be just great). I feel I'm wasting my precious time when doing this kind of money, wasting my sanity, it's a great and awful waste.

Last 3 years I've spent tons of creativity making videos for industries, for business, and I've get really tired of this. I feel that if I continue doing this I won't get anywhere. There's no growing up doing this, there's no advancing of my name, my public personality, no nothing. Just money, and boredom, tiredness.

So I've changed my way of leading with works and clients, and now I'm following some concepts, choosing better. But sometimes I need to do some work that is very emotionally destroyer, like this one I'm doing just now. I'm broken emotionally, tired physically, with my eyes tired of being open all the time, and my brain is intoxicated with stress, lots of stress.

But I am fighting something I know I would need to. I'm becoming professional, pretty much more professional then what I was some time ago. I am facing everything I must face to go bigger, to go better and find something better.

But I still can complaint until my computer works and I need to wait.

Falling apart

Today is like the whole world is falling apart, bombs exploding, knives rain, and incredible lots of responsibilities to accomplish.

Tomorrow I've got so many things to do that I can't even organize it in my mind, I can't think about it clearly. So I'm putting it on a paper as a list. A fucking gigantic list of things to do. I don't know where to begin with.

I think now, 9 pm o'clock, I'll go home, get some rest, food and love with my girl, and try to sleep early to be here soon tomorrow, and put the things to work. Or else I can do some editing before going home. I should call my girl to ask where she is and plan my time now.

I've shouldn't be losing my time here writing as I lost it reading and watching some videos, but I'm in a big stress, so I can't work straight, and that's a problem. I don't know why I act like this, always losing my concentration, my focus, and going to do something else, less important then what I really need to do at this moment. I don't really know why. If I only could focus on something in a better way, or a more focused way and made everything done quickly it would be very good to me. I could increase my work, my money, my efficiency, but instead of doing this, I stay a little bit slow with my accomplishments.

I know I need a change, but I am trying to have it for some time, but I'm not having success on this. But I know the time is now, absolutely now.

Let's run.