Break down

Break down and cry, that's what I want to do. I think maybe I'll do this for an instant.

I wish I could hold her tonight. Hold her the whole night in my arms, in my bed. To feel her smell and sense her presence.

I have no news from her, have no idea where is she now, what happens in her mind, what happens in her heart and in her life.

So I have this other friend, this girl that don't talk to me for 5 years now. We were best friends at the college, for a couple years, we used to hang out together every week.
As soon as the time passed by I started to see something in her look, in her eyes, in her voice, her smell, her skin...
That happened as soon as we get closer and closer. I'd fell in love with her. Totally, absolutely.

It was a hard party, with lots of alcohol, lots of people. We went there together, just two of us, very close and friendly. After some beer we went dancing, and after some eye contact I kissed her as I was crazy to do. It was, for that little moment, one of the greatest feelings we can have. That long and passionate first kiss, with lots of adrenalin, emotion, pleasure and love.

After that kiss she looked deeply in my eyes and told me one of the harder thing I've had to bear. She was a lesbian.

I was totally broken hearted, sad, pouring tears from my eyes.

For two or three years we've had a deep friendship, and sometimes we kissed each other, had that kind of conversation and relationship as a couple, a very complex relationship.

And one day I've fuck it all up. At a party, without her, I've kissed the wrong girl. Well, she kissed me, and just for one reason, to create that jealousy feeling at her, and it works. So we don't talk anymore for some years.

I am thinking about writing her tomorrow.

The same thing again

I’d never missed her so much as I am missing her today. I guess it’s tougher when you are in a family reunion for some days in the country and everybody has his own partners and no one but me will sleep alone. And when I am here I always remember her because we’ve spent so many beautiful moments together in this place that it’s impossible to forget.

I can’t stop remembering her smile, her voice, her hair, her smell, her temperature, her size, her taste, her skin, her mouth, her eyes…

I am curious to know how much does she thinks of me, if she thinks. How much does she misses me. I am dying to see her again, to kiss her, to be with her, but I am controlling myself to not calling her and trying to forget her. But it seems to be impossible. So difficult, so difficult…

I have this terrible fear that maybe I'll love her forever, tragically forever.

Another year passing by

The year is almost over, just two more days.

This is a very abnormally cold december, I am thinking of what can happen tomorrow. I’ve decided to spent this year’s passage with my family, my father, brother, sister, nephew, etc. Very smooth and easy, slowing down that erratically rhythm I was living during this crazy year. I was losing my mind doing the things I’ve done, drink so much and getting so crazy all the time. Well, not always, I used to have the days of the week working and functioning, but always at the end of the week I was getting very drunk and stunned. Now everything’s different, I guess, but tomorrow I think I would love to have some drink with someone.

by chance

The way I miss you is so strong that I feel it’s an everyday fight to keep calm and standing tall and not calling you or writing you desperately…

The funny thing is that I am feeling all of this like I am just waiting your call, I’m waiting you to get in touch with me. I am waiting your reaction, your feelings.

I wait everyday the day you will call me, tell me that you can’t stand anymore without me, that I am the love of your life, and that we must be together forever.

But I simply know that you’ll never do that… and I have the sad, sad, sad and deep feeling that you never felt the same I’ve felt for you for me. You never loved me as I love you. And, besides that, you always told me that I am the one that don’t know how to love. That’s funny.

I think you never loved me for real. And I think sadly that you are the love of my life. And this is all a tragedy.

Everyday I think of the day we’ll met by chance, someday lost in our future lives, a single day that I’ll see you again in front of me, that I will be able to look directly into your eyes and maybe say that I love you, even though I know that you’d never loved me, never ever loved me.

The depression

Well, finally I've found it. Or, to be more precise, it founds me, the depression. I think I'm depressed, finally. It is time.

After the rehearsal

I have a strange impression that I was born to make art. And I usually work with this, and the things I do well are the things related with art, it can be music, drama, visual art, rhythm. But I have a strong difficulty with some issues related to the practice, to the negotiations, selling it and living with it.

She was lonely

That day she was lonely, drunk, and writing sad things on the facebook. I was working alone at my company, waiting electronic processes in the computer and while the machine keeps processing I was spending time at the social net. I didn't know that girl, but felt I little pity because of what she was saying, so I started a conversation with her. Five minutes later she asks my number and call me. She invited me to go to her house, and I accepted. We didn't know each other and I bought beer, water, condoms and took a taxi. When I get there she told me that she lives alone and there was a friend of her sleeping. The guy awake and we have a long conversation, he was a very nice person, and so do her, we have a good conversation while we've taste the beer, he was a photographer too (I also works with this subject - besides my firstly video and movie occupation).

One hour later he went away and then Paty and I went upstairs, to her big bed. She took of my clothes, we both get naked, touched each other and everything happened. Two hours later we slept.

The next day we awoke together and I went to my company. We never see each other again, she started to have a relationship, I continue with my life, and that was just a moment when our lives crossed each other and went away each with each way.

It was good, it was weird.

Christmas Eve

It was Christmas. That's the year coming to an end.

I can't think of what will be the next year, and yet I have no idea of what will be for my "reveillon", if I'll go to the country house with my family, father, brother, sister, nephew... or if I'll go south for the beaches, an island where a friend of mine lives... seems to be so good.

Still trying to forget her. Still remembering that I need to forget her. Remembering her.

Last party of the year

This year we've had a lot of parties at my producer company. The place is perfect for this, and to complete the situation we have a neighbor that is a beverage distributor, that brought us beer any time of the night, we just need to call and show him the money.

These events went crazier and crazier during the year, with lots of drunk people, drugs and stuff like this. Actually almost every party of cinema's people the drugs is present, and sometimes I've been using some coke and weed, besides the alcohol (I used to drink a lot).

At this party I was finally sober. From the beginning till the end. It's been 10 days since I've stopped with everything. But still I stay at the party till the end, at 5 or 6 o'clock. And I don't know where do I take so many strength to to this, but I do, I dance, I talk, I watch and listen everything.

10 days ago happened something, an accident. This last 2 month I've been to many crazy situations, in Cuba, where I spent 1 month in a Cinema School isolated from civilization, an insane moment of my life. In one party, extremely drunk and crazy, I've lost my wallet with almost all my money and my 3 cards (1 credit and two debit). It was the first signal.

Then, already in Brazil, I've went to a party at one sunday, drank like there is no tomorrow and when I realize I was coming back home by the mourning, very far from home, walking and drunk, totally drunk... and without my glasses... So, this day I've lost my glasses.

And finally I've went to a birthday of a friend, got drunk, very drunk, and, besides I was drunk the situation was hard too, I've felt directly with my face to the ground. Lost a tooth (a little bit later I could re-implant at the same place), almost break my nose.

Since this day I'm not drinking for a while, maybe for ever.