To forget you

Trying hard, but the wrong way, to forget you. Day by day.

I write this to forget. I remembering to forget you everyday. Everyday trying to forget you, everytime.

Remembering when we were happy together, when I was able to look into your eyes and say that I love you, that you were, you are, the love of my life.
I still can say that, but you cannot listen, you don't want to listen anymore.

Maybe you're right. I gave you this possibility, to don not listen anymore, to let you leave me once and for all. To let you let me go and to go away. I did this because we were fighting, disagreeing, arguing almost everyday, it was hard as hell to be together. And I still wanted to be with other girls, to feel the new, untouchable, and smooth skin of them. To feel the novelty that's all around, this temptation.

But deep inside I know that you are the one that I love the most.

So, months later, years later, I'm writing this to forget you. Like I did years and years ago, when you broke my heart so many times. And again and again.
This time I think maybe I'd broke yours. But I still don't know if you have a heart to be broken, or if I, in any moment of our life together, had the importance for you to break your heart. I don't think I did.

But I stand broken and sad. Very sad.
But ok, I won't gave it away to the sadness. I'll stand tall and looking forward. Recovering.

I'll write till I forget. Maybe forever.

Again

Now I'm again with her, and it's so good. There's nothing better than have her naked over me, loving and kissing.

Well, and now I'm on that process of telling all the other girls that I am not available anymore. One by one breaking hearts, that's weird and sad, but by other point of view that's great, because I'm feeling great.

So, this week I'll try to handle with this till thursday.

Time to breathe

After long days of hard work, no free day for more than 1 month... now I start to breathe again. Yesterday, sunday, was my first free day, and today is a relatively easy monday. Good, I need to take some projects going, to put my company working harder, not just to do what I was doing, but to go somewhere else, and find new business.

These hard days that I just passed made me feel like I was a slave, working hard with lots of pressure, stress and anything. But I don't regret anything, and it was good, I've learnt lots of things, and reached good results. It's very important too.

Now I just need to organize myself not to loose time, to stay concentrated and make it happen.

To say no

I wish I'd said no to lots of things I've didn't.

I shouldn't say yes.

I wonder what if I could go back to the past and change it. Going back to past just to say no.

To say no, and no and no.

It would be very healthy, to say no to some things I didn't. Mainly to some works.

I've should have said no to lots of things.

It seems to be sad to realize this, but it's true.

Because of that now I have a lot of unfinished business here.
I hate unfinished business. Really hate it.

So lets start finishing it, and I need to learn to say no.

No, and no, and no. I won't do it. I don't do it. I do not want to do it. I cannot. I can't. I shan't. I shouldn't. I couldn't.

So...
That's it.
I must practice.

No.

Waste of time

I'm here totally amazed with this fucking waste of time.

All day long awaiting. Waiting nothing. And waiting. Waiting the end of this fucking test.

And I'm sleepy, I want to sleep, run, eat, take a shower... to do lots of things that I can't do here, at my company.

I fucking hate publicity, but this shit pay my bills.

today

I woke up late. Pretty late for my job today. This is very bad.

But ok, what can I do now, after a couple hours.

I was totally drunk and wasted at the time I was programed to be here. At my company.
That's bad.

I know I was wrong, and I don't have anything to say.
Nothing.
I won't say nothing.
I won't say a thing.
Just listen to the humiliation. And be sad.

I hate to be wrong, to be guilty. But it was all my fault.

Yesterday I got really, and absolutely drunk and wasted. Why I do such thing?

But ok. What can I do now? It's pretty fuckin' over.

Well well, my business partner asked a good question today: "was it good yesterday?" "did it worth at least?"
Oh yeah. It did.

It was awesome.
I didn't expect for that. Absolutely not.

But it was. A very little, tiny, low profile party. But it was awesome for me.

And it was like this just because I met a girl that I already knew.

But I didn't do anything with her. I couldn't.

The girl that made the party, her birthday, is a little bit in love with me. She told me not to bring any girl to the party, and not to be with no girl there. I respected that.

But oh man, today I think about yesterday, me and Ana, and I think it was a waste of time, to not be with her. She's beautiful.
I met her some years ago, in a party. I was with a guy, a friend of mine, and the party was in his house, and I met her. She was with her ex-boyfriend, a musician of a famous band from here, the singer. And she was absolutely beautiful, I couldn't even think when I saw her.

And yesterday she was on me. She danced with me. She held my body, kissed me on my cheek.
That was beautiful. She kissing me on my cheek. Absolutely amazing.
I just remember this. She kissing me on my cheek.
She tried to respect her friend, Paula, that wasn't happy with that at all.

But I'm sorry, I cannot be with her anymore. With Paula. No. I love her, but she's no girl for me. We don't need to be together again. We shouldn't be together again. It's oh so fucking over.
It's over.
I want to be with that girl. Ana.
She's amazing, man.
Pretty fucking amazing.

Now I'm thinking what I will do to be with her. To find her.
I don't know her phone number, her email, nothing...
And I don't even know her last name. Not at all.
And I cannot ask it to Paula. It's unfair.
But I'm really thinking about it. To ask her her contact.

Thanks god my girl wasn't there yesterday. It was good. Even because I am not compromised with her. We are no marriage.

I was alone and single.
And it was amazing.
I think, sometimes, that I need to be single for some months, at least.

Well well.
That's nice. Pretty fucking nice.

What can I do now?
I don't even get her contact.

She was writing in a little notebook, writing a lot.

She wrote lots of things.
She wrote her thoughts.

At some point I thought about writing something in her notebook. But I was fucking drunk to do that. I should do that.
To put my phone number and a message that she needed to call me today. Without my name or nothing.

She needs to find me. I am so easy to find. She needs to find me.
I've tried to found her, but till now I wasn't able.

She's rare.

Crazy

Today I am feeling that I'm absolutely crazy, freaking out. Delusional thoughts invading my brain like I am out of control. But besides that I'm still sitting with a good behavior at the computer, and working.

Ok, I'm just being dramatic, but I really feel strange today. And I am pretty sure that it's all about that girl, that one that I accidentally fell in love this days. And now I'm doing it all wrong, like I was a little kid, without knowing what to do, turning what could be an absolutely great thing into a misery suffering feeling. And that rejection I already told.

I got a feeling that I am a child again, lost in this social behavior agreements. I've lost every kind of rule that I should be following (or not, maybe to follow social rules isn't always a good thing).

The fact is that I desperately want to know where will it all lead me, where will this relationship lead my life. I'm fucking lost.

Well well

After all the rejection thing wasn't at all a truly rejection, and yesterday I've got it up again, and she dated with me and it was awesome.
But still it's a strange relationship, not at all, but a little bit strange.
Today I'm going to travel alone, without her. And it's sucks. If i knew she won't be coming I would had canceled this trip, but she told me yesterday that she wasn't be coming today, so it was impossible to tell my friends that it wasn't going to happen, so here I am, going with 4 couples to spend a weekend at the countryside. She did bad this time, oh yeah. Bad girl.

I'm not sad anymore, ok. I'm fine. Just because of yesterday, just because of her. I'm in her hands, and that's a pretty frightening thing. And despairing too. I don't really know what I should do now. I just know that I need to go easy and slow, to put the brakes on it. Slow and easy.

Shit

Rejection, a real bad feeling to feel.
Today is my 2011 rejection day. 2 girls in a little interval of 5 minutes rejecting me. My ex-girlfriend, that don't even lives in my city cuts me from her facebook and said goodbye again, for the third time. She said that it's been harmful for her to stand knowing about me, and that it's better to cut our relation at this point. Ok, so cut it. Bitch.

The second rejection is a girl that I'm fucking ridiculously in love these days. It's very bad to be in love like this, without thinking, frightening her, and doing everything wrong. Every single thing wrong. And so things went finally bad today. She was going home with me tomorrow, to sleep here and saturday we will go travel. But now she's not coming anymore. And now, at this very moment, I'm sitting here alone and broke. Fuck. Why they do this? At the same day.

Well, I don't really know what to do right now. Maybe sleep, maybe go to the supermarket or something... I don't know.

Shit, I cleansed all my home, hired a cleaner to get everything clean. Shit shit.

Saturday night

This reminds me Beavis & Butt Head screaming "saturdayyyy nighttttt!!".

Oh yeah. Since mi ex-girl dumped me things are doing like that. Not like Beavis neither Butt Head, thanks god hehehehe.

I think today will be a very alcoholic night, I'm going out to a party open bar, 30 years birthday of 3 friends I barely know. It will be freaking crazy I suppose.