And I'm glad I didn't die yet.
When I was fourteen I've almost took my life away, almost killed myself. Thanks God I didn't. Thanks God I'd been afraid of falling 19 floors. Afraid of facing the death directly.
There were some moments of my life that I didn't feared death at all. Some time ago I used to have some suicidal attitudes, but I've been changing a lot these years. Nowadays my life is so fucking important that this old feelings have no importance.
Sometimes I love and crave to be writing some poetry or to be expressing the beauty that I realize that exists in the world.
Ich bin dabei.
3/21/2015
Well well so it is...
Next week I'll be free. After seven years working in that company that I'm a business partner, shareholder, I'll renounce.
I'll go to other ways. I'll go away, but still don't know where.
This company payed my bills for 5 or 4 years. I've earned a lot of money there in 2013. Now it's a little bit stable, but not enough to fill my needs, it's too big for the profits. But this isn't the major problem.
We're three partners and I'm the little one, with only 10%. It's nothing. So I'm going away.
I've been helping my partner Fausto this week, I've been helping the company last year to be existing. I've been helping him this week with a TV show he's running. But I'll not be rewarded with anything. I'm doing it for free, well... not for free, for our company. But for me it's nothing. This is not my company, so it's for free. And I was not free. But after next week I decided that I'll be free.
Next week I'll go away. Enough for me.
It was a very hard decision to take. I was always earning more than my partners, because I'm a good seller, but now the want to earn more than me, but not selling. So, whatever. I'm sorry, I'll need to go.
It's sad for some way, because I loved to work with them, they are my reference, they are great friends, I love them. But it's been soo difficult to hang on working as if nothing's happened this last two years.
2014... what a strange and fucked year. Fucked at all.
I was in love with that girl, that fucking brunette that works with me. And she was a great friend of mine, we used to got drunk together a lot of times, to go wasted and misbehave. But I was absolutely in love with her, and nothing, n.o.t.h.i.n.g. happened never. Never. With some exception, a friday night, in a carnival. But it was nothing so important. We were so so so drunk that we don't remember it completely. I remember it a little bit better then her, but it's nebulous, I've just remember kissing her over the grass, outside the country-house, at 7 am (well, it wasn't friday anymore, it was saturday). Whatever...
We were outside, at the garden, pretty pretty much drunk... and I just remember ourselves rolling through the grass and kissing. And then she fainted, and I took her to the room, left her in bed and went to another room, because we were took drunk to sleep together.
At that moment the thing that I've wanted the most was to be with her.
She was dating my partner.
I didn't know nothing. But I'm a kind of mind reader, and very sensible and perceptive guy, and three or four months later I realized what was happening. It was sad.
The worst thing wasn't the relation, the situation itself. The worst was the lies. So fucking straight lies. And the cowardness of my partner.
His coward attitude frustrated me a lot.
So sad to be with so fucking coward people.
Sometimes I'm a coward too. And I'm embarrassed when I'm behaving cowardly. I'll always try to be courageous.
I'll always try to be brave. And that's it.
I'll go to other ways. I'll go away, but still don't know where.
This company payed my bills for 5 or 4 years. I've earned a lot of money there in 2013. Now it's a little bit stable, but not enough to fill my needs, it's too big for the profits. But this isn't the major problem.
We're three partners and I'm the little one, with only 10%. It's nothing. So I'm going away.
I've been helping my partner Fausto this week, I've been helping the company last year to be existing. I've been helping him this week with a TV show he's running. But I'll not be rewarded with anything. I'm doing it for free, well... not for free, for our company. But for me it's nothing. This is not my company, so it's for free. And I was not free. But after next week I decided that I'll be free.
Next week I'll go away. Enough for me.
It was a very hard decision to take. I was always earning more than my partners, because I'm a good seller, but now the want to earn more than me, but not selling. So, whatever. I'm sorry, I'll need to go.
It's sad for some way, because I loved to work with them, they are my reference, they are great friends, I love them. But it's been soo difficult to hang on working as if nothing's happened this last two years.
2014... what a strange and fucked year. Fucked at all.
I was in love with that girl, that fucking brunette that works with me. And she was a great friend of mine, we used to got drunk together a lot of times, to go wasted and misbehave. But I was absolutely in love with her, and nothing, n.o.t.h.i.n.g. happened never. Never. With some exception, a friday night, in a carnival. But it was nothing so important. We were so so so drunk that we don't remember it completely. I remember it a little bit better then her, but it's nebulous, I've just remember kissing her over the grass, outside the country-house, at 7 am (well, it wasn't friday anymore, it was saturday). Whatever...
We were outside, at the garden, pretty pretty much drunk... and I just remember ourselves rolling through the grass and kissing. And then she fainted, and I took her to the room, left her in bed and went to another room, because we were took drunk to sleep together.
At that moment the thing that I've wanted the most was to be with her.
She was dating my partner.
I didn't know nothing. But I'm a kind of mind reader, and very sensible and perceptive guy, and three or four months later I realized what was happening. It was sad.
The worst thing wasn't the relation, the situation itself. The worst was the lies. So fucking straight lies. And the cowardness of my partner.
His coward attitude frustrated me a lot.
So sad to be with so fucking coward people.
Sometimes I'm a coward too. And I'm embarrassed when I'm behaving cowardly. I'll always try to be courageous.
I'll always try to be brave. And that's it.
10/02/2014
Always someone close...
Adding that you always will be betrayed for someone so close, the closest person you have, adding that you do not need to fight with no one. You can go away, but not disappear, just go away and appear a lot. This is it. Appear and appear.
The stories always repeat themselves, always... always...
Enough of repetition. Enough of everything. Enough...
I just ask something:
Where are these souls?
The stories always repeat themselves, always... always...
Enough of repetition. Enough of everything. Enough...
I just ask something:
Where are these souls?
Ich verstehe überhaupt nicht
Inside my mind. Just there.
2014, what a year. I wish I could put something like 1/1000 written on this blank pages. But the blank pages are always there... But there's lot's of things going on...
I feel that I'm playing with fire these days, and this is just some last sentiment of this very weird year, 2014, weird weird year...
I need to go to sleep, but I just started writing now, it always takes me a lot of time to sit and start writing, so I don't write never. No, never never writing nothing... but I have so many things to put on the paper... so so so many thoughts and so many living things.
So strange to think that your life could be a very very bizarre, dark and fuking gross movie... But to not have the ability to put it on the sheets... to fill in the white holes. Doesn't matter if it's in portugues or in english... actually in english it's a little bit easier, but just because it's more provocative... but just because of that... Nothing more.
And it'll always be weird to have a life that you think that deserves a biography or something like that... to have a life that is so full of histories, so full of situations that deserves a biography.. but... doesn't every life has so much many situations like that???
Sometimes I think where I can put so many things that is passing by my life?
Where can I record so many things... where should I keep eveything?
Next week I'll start studying Deutsch... German! I've studied this language for 6 months... but it's so hard!
I've studied english for long 6 or 7 years... all by myself... but german is pretty more much difficult... I've became sure of that 6 months after starting studying... so difficult.
ich verstehe überhaupt nicht
Oh melancolia, rosa del aliento... dime que puede me amar...
2014, what a year. I wish I could put something like 1/1000 written on this blank pages. But the blank pages are always there... But there's lot's of things going on...
I feel that I'm playing with fire these days, and this is just some last sentiment of this very weird year, 2014, weird weird year...
I need to go to sleep, but I just started writing now, it always takes me a lot of time to sit and start writing, so I don't write never. No, never never writing nothing... but I have so many things to put on the paper... so so so many thoughts and so many living things.
So strange to think that your life could be a very very bizarre, dark and fuking gross movie... But to not have the ability to put it on the sheets... to fill in the white holes. Doesn't matter if it's in portugues or in english... actually in english it's a little bit easier, but just because it's more provocative... but just because of that... Nothing more.
And it'll always be weird to have a life that you think that deserves a biography or something like that... to have a life that is so full of histories, so full of situations that deserves a biography.. but... doesn't every life has so much many situations like that???
Sometimes I think where I can put so many things that is passing by my life?
Where can I record so many things... where should I keep eveything?
Next week I'll start studying Deutsch... German! I've studied this language for 6 months... but it's so hard!
I've studied english for long 6 or 7 years... all by myself... but german is pretty more much difficult... I've became sure of that 6 months after starting studying... so difficult.
ich verstehe überhaupt nicht
Oh melancolia, rosa del aliento... dime que puede me amar...
9/17/2013
Another day
Another monday, another day in our lives. Everything's fine. Everyone's fine. Ok.
No surprises, no alarms. Nothing. No nada.
This weekend I was working on a very peculiar project, some video recordings for an internet channel about a giant music festival. We've made some videos and we try to be always near to the point of view of someone who was watching the shows. Someone who was there, at the audience.
It's so interesting to go out of your city, to get into another place, absolutely different, with a beach in front of your hotel. Our sunrise yesterday was something pretty fantastic, pretty different of what I'm used to see at my windows.
Sometimes there's so much fear into our lives. But... so much fear of what? What was the point that we were about to fear what we don't care anymore. No need to think like this.
And writing nonsense it's another pretty bizarre feeling, but a little bit good to feel like this. To have this feeling. This bizarre nonsense feeling ok.
There's always the doubts, the questionings, the matter subject. Well, when this kind of thing happens...
No surprises, no alarms. Nothing. No nada.
This weekend I was working on a very peculiar project, some video recordings for an internet channel about a giant music festival. We've made some videos and we try to be always near to the point of view of someone who was watching the shows. Someone who was there, at the audience.
It's so interesting to go out of your city, to get into another place, absolutely different, with a beach in front of your hotel. Our sunrise yesterday was something pretty fantastic, pretty different of what I'm used to see at my windows.
Sometimes there's so much fear into our lives. But... so much fear of what? What was the point that we were about to fear what we don't care anymore. No need to think like this.
And writing nonsense it's another pretty bizarre feeling, but a little bit good to feel like this. To have this feeling. This bizarre nonsense feeling ok.
There's always the doubts, the questionings, the matter subject. Well, when this kind of thing happens...
6/18/2013
Sleepwalking
Today is that kind of sleepwalking day through meetings, business and readings. I need to make decisions, but all I want to do is to spend all day walking in some distant bucolic place, with her company and nothing else. Today is that kind of sunny but melancholic day, with my mind floating through invisible waves, with an infinity spiral thought that goes and comes in the same way all the time, repeating and repeating the same pattern every instant, repeatedly and repeatedly.
I'm that kind of obsessed guy that is repeating the same thinking pattern the whole day, not going anywhere, but flying inside, seated on the same chair all day long, the subjects in front of me always changing, different people, different issues, but the same mind pattern. But unattached to everything that really matters in the real pragmatic working existence, but besides that solving this things normally.
I'm that kind of obsessed guy that is repeating the same thinking pattern the whole day, not going anywhere, but flying inside, seated on the same chair all day long, the subjects in front of me always changing, different people, different issues, but the same mind pattern. But unattached to everything that really matters in the real pragmatic working existence, but besides that solving this things normally.
6/13/2013
Freaking out again...
oh yeah, it was totally predictable, it was announcing to happen for some months. Everything's so full of emotions this last years that it was too soft to be true. It was willing to start some bizarre freaking out session. Emotions and crazy thoughts and ideas. And the most dangerous part of it is that these crazy ideas are having success with the investors, so some of them are about to happen, and I'm really not sure about it, if I really should do this.
And when it start to happen it will be for a long long time. Something like 10 years or more.
Well, it's my last day of thinking and deciding. Actually I think there's really no time.
I am not sure about the things I'm doing, the way my life's taking. Maybe I should change everything, I'm sensing I'm going in a wrong, maybe pretty wrong way, not sure.
This are so intimacy, so individual things, that maybe there's nothing I can write here to explain. This is a fucking diary, but even I don't write here daily.
33 years old, midlife crises maybe to soon?
I feel as I am an adolescent again, but in the worst way, with the stupid ideas, with the rough feelings, the rough sensations, rough thoughts. Things that should happen another way, maybe more mature, more responsible. I see that I am as pretty fucked up person, but in true I'm not. I'm just suffering a little, or maybe a lot. But nothing more than that.
This crazy days at this bizarre city that I always lived on. Everybody going crazy in this big shit. The protesters, but the worse are the government. The protests are so fucking necessary. But this violence is not.
Every plan, every thought, every future projection, have it's potentiality to happen, to become true. But some ways need to be respected. Maybe it's possible to make it happen in some ways, but the truth is that I don't have any kind of recipe of how's life works, or how to proceed over some circumstances. There are so many broken hearts. So many disillusions and sadness. But still there's discovery, happiness, reaction, progress (or else personal progress).
I'm sick and tired of this so fucking things that I'm vomiting over some white screen.
I need to stop some kind of thoughts that happen automatically inside my mind. It is possible to control such things, just concentrating and going to other ways.
So, go ahead and change your thinking!!!!!
And when it start to happen it will be for a long long time. Something like 10 years or more.
Well, it's my last day of thinking and deciding. Actually I think there's really no time.
I am not sure about the things I'm doing, the way my life's taking. Maybe I should change everything, I'm sensing I'm going in a wrong, maybe pretty wrong way, not sure.
This are so intimacy, so individual things, that maybe there's nothing I can write here to explain. This is a fucking diary, but even I don't write here daily.
33 years old, midlife crises maybe to soon?
I feel as I am an adolescent again, but in the worst way, with the stupid ideas, with the rough feelings, the rough sensations, rough thoughts. Things that should happen another way, maybe more mature, more responsible. I see that I am as pretty fucked up person, but in true I'm not. I'm just suffering a little, or maybe a lot. But nothing more than that.
This crazy days at this bizarre city that I always lived on. Everybody going crazy in this big shit. The protesters, but the worse are the government. The protests are so fucking necessary. But this violence is not.
Every plan, every thought, every future projection, have it's potentiality to happen, to become true. But some ways need to be respected. Maybe it's possible to make it happen in some ways, but the truth is that I don't have any kind of recipe of how's life works, or how to proceed over some circumstances. There are so many broken hearts. So many disillusions and sadness. But still there's discovery, happiness, reaction, progress (or else personal progress).
I'm sick and tired of this so fucking things that I'm vomiting over some white screen.
I need to stop some kind of thoughts that happen automatically inside my mind. It is possible to control such things, just concentrating and going to other ways.
So, go ahead and change your thinking!!!!!
5/20/2013
Trap!
It happened again... I can feel the symptons, strong and destabilizing. Now when I come home I start trembling, palpitating, sweating... my heart starts to beat quicker. Some things have been changing in my life. Well, actually my whole life is being pretty different than it was a couple months ago. My mind is stroked focusing obsessed in one thought, one thing.
Today it's been 1 month and 20 days not drinking a single sip of any kind of alcoholic beverage.
Today I can speak french, after 10 days of intense study I climb my first step of this language. It's not fluent, but it's just a matter of time. I guess in 3 months I'll be fluent.
My mind is locked in one single thought, one obsession. That kind of obsession you don't want to pass away, you want it to stay forever inside you.
Damned platonic feelings.
Lost lost lost...
I feel as I've lost the ground I'm stepping over, just as I am floating, flying over the days and nights, floating away with the direction of the wind, always going to the same place, same direction. Floating.
I feel as I need to externalize inner feelings.
Urging to spill this whole giant desire away.
Today it's been 1 month and 20 days not drinking a single sip of any kind of alcoholic beverage.
Today I can speak french, after 10 days of intense study I climb my first step of this language. It's not fluent, but it's just a matter of time. I guess in 3 months I'll be fluent.
My mind is locked in one single thought, one obsession. That kind of obsession you don't want to pass away, you want it to stay forever inside you.
Damned platonic feelings.
Lost lost lost...
I feel as I've lost the ground I'm stepping over, just as I am floating, flying over the days and nights, floating away with the direction of the wind, always going to the same place, same direction. Floating.
I feel as I need to externalize inner feelings.
Urging to spill this whole giant desire away.
4/29/2013
Dear diary...
It's been a long time since I don't write here. Lot's of things happened, and I'm still lost and thinking what should I do with everything. What should I do with my mind?
Well, it's been almost one month that I don't drink any single drop of alcohol. It's been more than one week since I don't use any kind of heavy drug (well, my real problem is alcohol, but I don't want to find some kind of substitute for the trouble...).
This meanwhile I've not been writing, I spent lots of times with an older lady, almost 10 years older than me, with a little kid, a life in Rio de Janeiro, with her things, apartment, cars, money, older lifestyle, restaurants, fancy parties... I was in love with her for a while, but I really don't know exactly what happened, she freaked up with me, she went absolutely jealousy, insecure, controller, obsessed with me in a way that I couldn't understand and bare. And the separation process, although it was just four months, was very traumatic. So I'm in a soul's vacation right now. Waiting for the peace to come, trying to process everything better, softer, easier.
These days I started running again, and I'm thinking about meditating in a while. I wanted to put some ideas and feelings into the paper, but I don't know why it's been so difficult to write, to express myself honestly. I have so many things inside myself that I want to put outside, but I simple just can't do this.
Something weird is happening these days. Well, as you may know, I don't live alone for a couple years, I've been sharing my apartment with others, to share the expenses and to have company. And this last 8 months I've been living with a beautiful and young french lady. Till 3 weeks ago nothing was going wrong or outside normality, but I've been looking to her a little bit strange, don't know why. We've been getting close friends, and laughing and doing lot's of things together, like having dinner together, watching movies, talking and talking long nights away. And now, when I see her, something weird happens inside me. Don't know exactly what it is, but it's some kind of nervous feeling, trembling and shaking I little bit more than usually.
I should avoid this kind of feeling. Or maybe not.
Well, it's been almost one month that I don't drink any single drop of alcohol. It's been more than one week since I don't use any kind of heavy drug (well, my real problem is alcohol, but I don't want to find some kind of substitute for the trouble...).
This meanwhile I've not been writing, I spent lots of times with an older lady, almost 10 years older than me, with a little kid, a life in Rio de Janeiro, with her things, apartment, cars, money, older lifestyle, restaurants, fancy parties... I was in love with her for a while, but I really don't know exactly what happened, she freaked up with me, she went absolutely jealousy, insecure, controller, obsessed with me in a way that I couldn't understand and bare. And the separation process, although it was just four months, was very traumatic. So I'm in a soul's vacation right now. Waiting for the peace to come, trying to process everything better, softer, easier.
These days I started running again, and I'm thinking about meditating in a while. I wanted to put some ideas and feelings into the paper, but I don't know why it's been so difficult to write, to express myself honestly. I have so many things inside myself that I want to put outside, but I simple just can't do this.
Something weird is happening these days. Well, as you may know, I don't live alone for a couple years, I've been sharing my apartment with others, to share the expenses and to have company. And this last 8 months I've been living with a beautiful and young french lady. Till 3 weeks ago nothing was going wrong or outside normality, but I've been looking to her a little bit strange, don't know why. We've been getting close friends, and laughing and doing lot's of things together, like having dinner together, watching movies, talking and talking long nights away. And now, when I see her, something weird happens inside me. Don't know exactly what it is, but it's some kind of nervous feeling, trembling and shaking I little bit more than usually.
I should avoid this kind of feeling. Or maybe not.
3/24/2013
Sunlight
I've never saw her under the sunlight, we just met during the night, the whole moments we lived together were under the moon. It's been a year now, since we start dating, and we still didn't have sex. She slept here these days, but we were too drunk to do anything besides sleep, and at the morning I had to leave, and when I came back she wasn't here anymore.
It's been a very strange relationship, she have this effect when we are together, she thinks I'm strange, and that I cause something rare on her.
I have no idea what happened yesterday. I was drinking and till some moment everything desapears from my mind. I have no idea. Just wake up in my bed, alone.
It's been a very strange relationship, she have this effect when we are together, she thinks I'm strange, and that I cause something rare on her.
I have no idea what happened yesterday. I was drinking and till some moment everything desapears from my mind. I have no idea. Just wake up in my bed, alone.
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