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Oh yeah.

That was amazing. So amazing.

To kiss her. To feel her body against mine.

This is incredible good.

For a moment I thought she was going without kiss me, she said no, and no, and that I was drunk. And yes, I didn't deny that, I am drunk, yeah. But oh so yeah I want to kiss you, I'd said.

And she said that it wasn't the issue we were talking about.

And I said, yes, if it wasn't now it is.

And she said she couldn't talk about that like this.

And I asked her why?

After a while we started kissing each other, for some time.

And we couldn't stop it. It was almost impossible to stop, she's almost slept here. But unfortunately she didn't.

And now she's gone. It's late, 6 o'clock!

And now

I'm going for a beer with a girl.

And for the other girl (another different from everygirl I mention here), that is very far, far in another country, Mexico, far Mexico. Just said: "te quiero mucho".

And now on my way.

Trash!

That could be the way I could feel.

But not. I'm in a pretty good mood, besides the fact that she disappeared, she that I liked so much. I thought we would be together and it would be the maximum of the best feeling I would get in my whole life. Despite that I'm in a pretty good mood. Just complaining to keep the tradition role.

Well, this is my free space, to complaint, to shout, to put the words free.

And now I'm just talking with a girl. And hit the word: let's go out for a beer?

Waiting...

And now

she disappeared...

That's sad, because I guess it would be fantastic if it wasn't like that. But there's still time.

Something wrong with my mind

Sometimes I think that's something very wrong with my mind. When I like someone I can't think about anything else, and I fell totally in love and desperately quick and strong. Yes, it's scary.

And so soon

I've been totally caught by her.

And now it's another girl, and that's very interesting.

Till two weeks ago I was totally suffering because of my ex girl, we've been together for 2 years, and I was crazy about her for 10 years. The first time I've kissed her was in 2001, a couple of months after we met.

At that time I was dating another girl, but that afternoon, after the study (we were studying together in a preparation for the university test) we went on to a bar and started drinking together, I'd laid my hand over her hand and then we kissed. After that I've always thought about her as someone I was really crazy about - but she didn't felt it back.

And she's been dating other guys, and so I did the same, but always insisted in her. Later for 2 years she didn't even let me see her, she was serious relating with other guy and disappeared completely to me. I've suffered a lot, but after a while dated other girls, had my girlfriends and all.

Some years later she let me be with her again, we dated, but never had nothing serious, just because she didn't want nothing serious with me, but I always did.

At some point we started dating more and more, at the beginning one or twice a month, then every week, then every opportunity, but at that time I was engaged with another girl, and so I ended my relationship to be with her. We engaged, lived together for almost a year.

We suffered a lot, like every couple. Sometimes I ask myself why it's always this way? Why we have to suffer always?

We have two beautiful years together, but she never trusted me, she always thought I was cheating her, and she had a point because I'd cheated other 3 girls with her, but I'd never cheated Erica.

She dumped me later, just because she was paranoid, thinking I'd cheated her. We got back again, and then fought some time, get back again, and repeated it two or three times again. Lot of suffering.

I've spent lots of time thinking on her. Such a waste of time. I still feel something very strong for her. I guess I could be together again with her. But now maybe I'll forget her.

Till now I'd never found a girl that produces something important in my mind, or my heart, whatever. Till last weekend, to be more accurate.

And now my head is full of her, this new girl, this girl I've met last saturday - but she isn't new at all, but for same way she is new for me. Actually I knew her for 10 years too, she was at the same course, 10 years ago, when I met Erica, but at that time she was dating a friend of ours, and we are still a group of friends that always hang out together (tomorrow we'll do this). And I took 10 years to give her a kiss, not because I wasn't interested, I've always liked her a lot, but never thought by this perspective, I don't know why. But it happened, and oh it was amazingly fine and almost disturbingly fine.

I've spent the whole week thinking of her. Not a single day, afternoon or hour that she wasn't totally outside my head.

What bothers me is my anxiety. I am fucking anxious about this. I try to imagine what's on her mind. What does she feel. I try to imagine what the future reserves for me.

It's one of that times when you spend just a night with someone and you think you could marry that girl and be with her for your whole life. Although I have no idea what will be tomorrow.

This is totally scary!

Everything is changed

Suddenly everything is changed.

Yesterday was fucking great, awesome, fantastic... every great and positive word to describe yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous, smart, kind, sweet. She's everything I want now.

As horas

Queria que a noite tivesse a duração que eu bem entendesse.

Que durante a noite eu pudesse decidir até que horas seria a hora que eu quisesse.

Hours and hours passing by. Escaping from my hands. Night going away, changing into day.

And so many songs to listen, so many movies, so much things to do. So much time to think I need.

And soon the night is over, and I need to be ready for another day of work.

And day after day I need to do a lot of things that I am not completely sure about. At least I'm not working with publicity, such criminal activity...

Break down

Break down and cry, that's what I want to do. I think maybe I'll do this for an instant.

I wish I could hold her tonight. Hold her the whole night in my arms, in my bed. To feel her smell and sense her presence.

I have no news from her, have no idea where is she now, what happens in her mind, what happens in her heart and in her life.

So I have this other friend, this girl that don't talk to me for 5 years now. We were best friends at the college, for a couple years, we used to hang out together every week.
As soon as the time passed by I started to see something in her look, in her eyes, in her voice, her smell, her skin...
That happened as soon as we get closer and closer. I'd fell in love with her. Totally, absolutely.

It was a hard party, with lots of alcohol, lots of people. We went there together, just two of us, very close and friendly. After some beer we went dancing, and after some eye contact I kissed her as I was crazy to do. It was, for that little moment, one of the greatest feelings we can have. That long and passionate first kiss, with lots of adrenalin, emotion, pleasure and love.

After that kiss she looked deeply in my eyes and told me one of the harder thing I've had to bear. She was a lesbian.

I was totally broken hearted, sad, pouring tears from my eyes.

For two or three years we've had a deep friendship, and sometimes we kissed each other, had that kind of conversation and relationship as a couple, a very complex relationship.

And one day I've fuck it all up. At a party, without her, I've kissed the wrong girl. Well, she kissed me, and just for one reason, to create that jealousy feeling at her, and it works. So we don't talk anymore for some years.

I am thinking about writing her tomorrow.

The same thing again

I’d never missed her so much as I am missing her today. I guess it’s tougher when you are in a family reunion for some days in the country and everybody has his own partners and no one but me will sleep alone. And when I am here I always remember her because we’ve spent so many beautiful moments together in this place that it’s impossible to forget.

I can’t stop remembering her smile, her voice, her hair, her smell, her temperature, her size, her taste, her skin, her mouth, her eyes…

I am curious to know how much does she thinks of me, if she thinks. How much does she misses me. I am dying to see her again, to kiss her, to be with her, but I am controlling myself to not calling her and trying to forget her. But it seems to be impossible. So difficult, so difficult…

I have this terrible fear that maybe I'll love her forever, tragically forever.

Another year passing by

The year is almost over, just two more days.

This is a very abnormally cold december, I am thinking of what can happen tomorrow. I’ve decided to spent this year’s passage with my family, my father, brother, sister, nephew, etc. Very smooth and easy, slowing down that erratically rhythm I was living during this crazy year. I was losing my mind doing the things I’ve done, drink so much and getting so crazy all the time. Well, not always, I used to have the days of the week working and functioning, but always at the end of the week I was getting very drunk and stunned. Now everything’s different, I guess, but tomorrow I think I would love to have some drink with someone.

by chance

The way I miss you is so strong that I feel it’s an everyday fight to keep calm and standing tall and not calling you or writing you desperately…

The funny thing is that I am feeling all of this like I am just waiting your call, I’m waiting you to get in touch with me. I am waiting your reaction, your feelings.

I wait everyday the day you will call me, tell me that you can’t stand anymore without me, that I am the love of your life, and that we must be together forever.

But I simply know that you’ll never do that… and I have the sad, sad, sad and deep feeling that you never felt the same I’ve felt for you for me. You never loved me as I love you. And, besides that, you always told me that I am the one that don’t know how to love. That’s funny.

I think you never loved me for real. And I think sadly that you are the love of my life. And this is all a tragedy.

Everyday I think of the day we’ll met by chance, someday lost in our future lives, a single day that I’ll see you again in front of me, that I will be able to look directly into your eyes and maybe say that I love you, even though I know that you’d never loved me, never ever loved me.